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A Relationship paradigm. Just how I do it, today.
I believe it is useful to be clear on these things, what words mean, what me assumptions are, where boundaries are…
About Intimates
I’d like to be explicit about what I mean by being intimates.
This is not a common term, or way of operating, although not uncommon either.
I nurture an inner circle of friends, which I call intimates, what we share is an overlapping cloud of:
Freedom – aim to be our unadulterated selves with each other and for each other
Support – willingness to ask for and receive, as well as give (as much as is comfortable), support on any level – emotional, relational, physical, spiritual, etc
Love - love and be loved unabashedly – includes affinity, reality and communication
Juiciness – to each be enjoying the relationship and blessed to be in it
Consistency – we stay in touch, enjoy being together, our friendship is real and realized
I fall short a lot, I notice as I read through this.
It isn’t always easy or possible, but this is the general area I am shooting for with my intimates.
Each of my intimate relationships is unique and constantly in flux.
We aren’t always firing on all the cylinders above.
But my intention is toward these areas, and I trust theirs is too.
Back at the end of college, ’87, I read Jess Lair’s “Sex: If I didn’t Laugh, I’d Cry”
– which might be my favorite of his books.
He was really hot on “Mutual Need Relationships”
– he talked about them in several of his books.
He used the term in a similar way to my use of intimates.
I seem to remember he said it was healthy to have more than one, but hard to handle more than 4 or 5.
In this book, he defined them in a way that stuck with me:
1) their faces light up when they see you
2) they have no program for your improvement
3) they like you the way we are, which is similar but a different flavor than above
4) they joy in your presence, just sit there having a good time, don’t need to think of anything to talk about
5) they look you up, if you don’t look them up
6) they stick with you, if you move away, or get in trouble or do some unpopular thing
It is interesting to me, after writing my own definition for the first time (that I remember), to look at my first ‘official’ modeling of the ‘structure’ for these kinds of relationships.
From my perspective, my definition is a bit more comprehensive and juicier.
But his context is quite different:
- he was probably two generations older than me and a man,
- having these friendships with other men
(and maybe his wife? I don’t remember if she fits in this category for him)
.
For me Intimate doesn't mean sexual, but certainly can be.
Being clear about Sex vs Snuggling
Basically these are my internal structures I have used to define overt sexual behavior (as opposed to snuggling) - for my whole life, because they just make sense to me.
To stay in snuggle range:
No deep kissing, Keep a layer of clothes on, No nipple or genital play, No dry humping, No orgasm.
