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A friend of mine was talking about issues around dating on FB. I started writing and i just kept writing: I kept it up for awhile ; )
Below are a few of the ideas I have about 'dating' I feel something bubbling up in my ministry in this arena: don't know how it will come out, yet... I think starting the relationship FB group is a step in that direction as well ; )
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When 'dating' I educate potential partners about who I am and where I come from, I share myself, I set Very Clear boundaries and expectations: I want this and not that, 'I want to snuggle but I don't want to be sexual tonight', for example.
I believe the most important time to be honest with myself and with another about who I really am, is in the beginning of a relationship. I put it all right out there, some would say I try to scare folks away: but what I really do is get both of us to be excited about what 'works' and realistic about what does and doesn't *fit* as Fast as possible.
It is like a job interview, many folks go on 'dates' saying: oh pick me! and then be on best behavior, and try to do and say it 'right'. I have learned as both an employee and an employer: the potential *employee's* job in an interview is to find out:
- Will I fit in here?
- Does this company and position fit my needs?
- What are they looking for and is it a good personality and skills match for me?
- What are the short and long-term goals for this job, and how does that suit my short and long-term goals? etc.
As an interviewer, if someone comes in knowing who they are and what they want and is PROACTIVE about finding out about the company and the position and what would be expected of them = pretty much always I want to hire their ass! Because they are taking responsibility for themselves and their life and their career path and it is very likely they will take responsibility for the job and the things that need done, if I hire them: this is Very Attractive, personally and professionally!!
Similar things are true for a 'dating' situation: when I GO FOR what I want, what I need, what is fun for me, what is juicy; and I am clear about MY priorities: 'yes I want sex, but I want to feel safe first', or whatever: this is extremely attractive!
So I practice being 'myself in extreme' when 'dating' - we might not end up together, but I have fun, we both get value, and they know what they are getting or not getting very clearly. I am not stuck in: are they a good fit or not? I don't go to fantasy land, thinking: Maybe I could make myself fit in their box, Maybe they could fit in my box if i saw off an arm: that is complete BS! In my way of being, If I am not jazzed about them, and them about me, what is the point of that? The end-game makes no sense, IMO. If it is not an exciting fit, I bless them and I am on to the next juicy, authentic encounter.
If I am not comfortable with anything in the dating situation, I say so, and I say what would work better for me. If I don't think it will work out, I say so ASAP, and deal with the issues. One of the best jobs I have had, I kept telling the owner: I don't think this job is a good fit because x, y, z - and he kept coming back with a new offer because he saw in me the potential to assist his business. One of the sweetest lovers I've ever had, I turned down over and over; and he kept coming back and saying no: we can work out p, d & q. I am not saying to play games, or play hard to get, or any of that BS - I am saying the opposite: PLAY YOUR OWN GAME!
The 'dating' game is not about putting on my best face, and my sexiest outfit and being as NICE and ACCOMMODATING as I can be. This leads to Very Bad results: because someone ends up buying a 'package' and eventually has to find out somewhere along the way that they got a bait-and-switch! Eventually I need to be Myself (I pray this is true!) and then what??
Meanwhile, if I am trying to be something I am not, it is a lot of work, and not a lot of fun for anyone! And i have to be hyper-vigilant. And I can't receive love, affection or validation because I am too busy being someone I am not! Their true attraction for me cannot come IN because I know their affection is for my facade, not for ME! Aye, 'what a tangled web we weave...'
Meanwhile, while I am busy trying to match this one person's pictures of a perfect mate, or whatever - I am missing the chance to be treasured by some one who is GAGA Crazy over *ME* - my real, true self! Because if I do not let MYSELF out to Play, then *I* am not available to fall in love with! On the other hand, If I let my freak-flag fly and BE ME: THAT IS *VERY* ATTRACTIVE - I am warm and loving and fun, interesting and interested in them - etc - who wouldn't want to play with me??
I have been Very fortunate to be blessed with amazing partners throughout my adulthood. I always say when I am open to a new partner: although I cannot imagine it (because my past partners were amazing) but, my next partner will be even More Amazing - and it is true!!
I have always been larger than the average woman, and I am average looking, and average in many ways - not especially brilliant, or especially interesting to most people. Meanwhile, some of my acquaintances are surprised: 'you are fat, how are you with that great guy?' I swear this is what they say!
Well, I continue to let go of the lovely pictures my family and this society gave me that say: 'you Have to be (model) beautiful to be loved'. My mother actually said this to me growing up, and she meant well: she wanted the best for me and she believed I needed to get with the 'program' if I wanted to be loved. Her pictures are that I need to be thin, and fit, and appropriate, and dress well and be sexy, and cook and clean... and accommodate a LOT.
Well, I did get with the program - but a very different program than hers! I am a great cook, but I only do it when I feel like it. I rarely wear makeup, I don't iron, I dress... uniquely ; ) I am a terrible cleaner and only do it when i feel like it: which is not a lot. I am really awful at most of the things my mom, and many other people, think I need to DO and Be, IN ORDER to be loved...
And I think my mom is still amazed that I can be my unpolished, somewhat slovenly self and have such an amazing, delightful relationship with an awesome partner. I still think after Michael and I being together for over 16 years now, that she cocks her head in wonder at me - still kinda wondering: 'how did she pull this off' ; )
I am not saying any of this to get down on my Mom, she loves me, she just has very different pictures about how to live life than i do!!
Here are some of my pictures about how life works for me:
I hold on to the love of Gd, which shines out from me.
And I allow myself to love myself, the best I can.
And I let Gd continue to teach me to let others love me: even when I don't live up to my own or society's pictures about beauty or whatever.
And, if I let go of I'M FAT and trip on it as little as possible, most people can let go of it too!! I think Guys especially get a really bad rap: 'oh, Men are bad, they only want young, thin, perfect little creatures'. Of course there are women who only want a certain body-type as well... Great they can play together and hope no one gets sick or hurt or old ; )
So, for some this is true. But for many this is absolutely Not true. Folks want a lot more in a relationship then some perfect facade.
The truth is, after a while, whomever I love is beautiful to me: regardless of the big nose or the pot belly - their bodies are absolutely precious to me. PRECIOUS.
And another fact is: humans can get used to almost anything, very quickly: SO I start dating, IDK, George Clooney or Andie McDowell tomorrow - in a couple months or years, they will be just another person to me: someone who snuggles in bed and leaves toothpaste in the sink, and who I sometimes love and sometimes hate - just normal everyday life... Not, OMG, I am sleeping with a dreamboat! Because this we can count on: we can learn to take almost anything for granted ; )
There are sweet spots, and delightful, as well as annoying, idiosyncrasies about each person - count on it - no one is a completely perfect fit - it just matters if they are annoyances that I can live with!
But, to get back to the point, if I walk around saying THEY won't love me until I am Blah, blah, blah (until I am thin with long hair - or whatever ; ) Well, then, um, they won't love me until I am thin with long hair! It is impossible for anyone to get Through that Barrier - MY BARRIER! And I am not likely to be thin with long hair any time in the next
My point is, when I get out of my own way, and start ALLOWING Love Now, then that is what I get: Love. Now.
There is spiritual work that really assists me with this. I am constantly babbling about this, so I won't add this now ; )
Anyway, here is the bottom line:
I have been a relationship coach for about 20 years, off and on, and I always tell folks: just GO where the JUICE is!
- Who are you attracted to (in whatever way, man or woman) go THERE and play!
- What situation or activities are JUICY for you - go there and play!
- and BE JUICED about it all!
While you are at it:
- BE wildly authentic.
- Allow the Universe to provide.
- Love yourself, and allow love IN.
It comes down to: FOLLOW YOUR BLISS, wherever she leads...
LIFE will open to you, Doors will open to you, Friends and Delights will open to you. Love will open to you... Bet on It!!
Happy weekend - w
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