the country they call life

.
"Gott spricht zu jedem…/God speaks to each of us…" from Rilke's Book of Hours: Love Poems to God, by Ranier Maria Rilke, translated by Anita Barrows and Joanna Macy:

God speaks to each of us as he makes us, then walks with us silently out of the night.

These are the words we dimly hear:

You, sent out beyond your recall, go to the limits of your longing. Embody me.

Flare up like flame and make big shadows I can move in.

Let everything happen to you: beauty and terror. Just keep going. No feeling is final. Don't let yourself lose me.

Nearby is the country they call life. You will know it by its seriousness.

Give me your hand.

Loving Enemies

.
A clip from Steve Goodier, of '3 Minute Learning':

SO YOU HAVE ENEMIES?

A knight returned to his castle at twilight. He was a mess. His armor was dented, his helmet askew, his face was bloody, his horse was limping and he listed to one side in the saddle. His lord met him at the gate, asking, "What has befallen you, Sir Knight?"

Straightening himself up as best he could, he replied, "Oh, Sire, I have been laboring in your service, robbing and burning and pillaging your enemies to the west."

"You have been what?" cried the startled nobleman. "But I haven't any enemies to the west!"

"Oh!" said the knight. And then, after a pause, "Well, I think you do now."

What about you? Enemies to the west? Or the north, the south or the east? None of us will calmly sail through our lives in perfect harmony with everyone we meet. And though most conflict can be resolved along the way, and most of our bruised relationships can eventually be healed, some passionate issues may threaten to drive a permanent wedge between people. Heartfelt moral and political stances, especially, can polarize folks who just as passionately hold differing positions. Former U.S. Ambassador Claire Booth Luce once observed: "I don't have a warm personal enemy left. They've all died off. I miss them terribly because they helped define me."

So-called "enemies" can serve a valuable purpose. If we let them, they can teach us about ourselves. By holding a mirror before us, they can help us see what we may have missed. By disagreeing with our heartfelt convictions, they can sharpen our points of view. And, if we allow it, they can unwittingly help us practice strength and compassion in the face of criticism.

If enemies cannot become friends, they can become teachers. If we listen, they will teach us what our friends cannot.

Amen!

My main spiritual teacher used to talk about relating to our enemies, and I resisted. I thought, "if I have enemies, I am doing something wrong." Now, fortunately and sadly, I know differently. Sometimes they 'just comes.' One time Michael ordered breakfast in the South. When it arrived, he asked about the grits. "Honey, you don't order grits, they 'just comes.' And so do enemies, and it helps if I name it and accept the reality of it.

.
Life is complicated. I have found that sometimes:
* I love those whom I hate, and I hate those whom I love.
* My friends become enemies, and my enemies become friends.
* My friends Act like enemies, and my enemies Act like friends.
The game is pretty complex... and life is long, roles change.

I have found, for many reasons more than are quickly covered in this post, the dance of enemies is a blessing (often uncomfortable), as well as a fantastic opportunity for healing and learning!

Hope you are enjoying your dance!!

crucified between the opposites

.
C.G. Jung, in a letter to Frau Olga Fröbe-Kapteyn:

There can be only patient endurance of the opposites which ultimately spring from your own nature. You yourself are a conflict that rages in itself and against itself in order to melt its incompatible substances, the male and the female, in the fire of suffering and thus create that form which is the goal of life. Everyone goes through this mill, consciously or unconsciously, voluntarily or forcibly. We are crucified between the opposites and delivered up to the torture, until the reconciling third takes shape. Do not doubt the rightness of the two sides within you and let whatever may happen, happen. The apparently unendurable conflict is proof of the rightness of your life. A life without intercontradiction is either only half a life or else a life in the beyond which is destined only for angels.

This is how he grows

.

The Man Watching
By Rainer Maria Rilke

I can tell by the way the trees beat, after
so many dull days, on my worried windowpanes
that a storm is coming,
and I hear the far-off fields say things
I can’t bear without a friend,
I can’t love without a sister.

The storm, the shifter of shapes, drives on
across the woods and across time,
and the world looks as if it had no age:
the landscape like a line in the psalm book,
is seriousness and weight and eternity.

What we choose to fight is so tiny!
What fights with us is so great!
If only we would let ourselves be dominated
as things do by some immense storm,
we would become strong too, and not need names.

When we win it’s with small things,
and the triumph itself makes us small.
What is extraordinary and eternal
does not want to be bent by us.
I mean the Angel who appeared
to the wrestlers of the Old Testament:
when the wrestlers’ sinews
grew long like metal strings,
he felt them under his fingers
like chords of deep music.

Whoever was beaten by this Angel
(who often simply declined the fight)
went away proud and strengthened
and great from that harsh hand,
that kneaded him as if to change his shape.
Winning does not tempt that man.
This is how he grows: by being defeated, decisively,
by constantly greater beings.

Sing loud!

.

EACH NOTE, Rumi

Advice doesn't help lovers!
They're not the kind of mountain stream
you can build a dam across.

An intellectual doesn't know
what the drunk is feeling!

Don't try to figure
what those lost inside love
will do next!

Someone in charge would give up all his power,
if he caught one whiff of the wine-musk
from the room where the lovers
are doing who-knows-what!

One of them tries to dig a hole through a mountain.
One flees from academic honors.
One laughs at famous mustaches!

Life freezes if it doesn't get a taste
of this almond cake.
The stars come up spinning
every night, bewildered in love.
They'd grow tired
with that revolving, if they weren't.
They'd say,
"How long do we have to do this!"

God picks up the reed-flute world and blows.
Each note is a need coming through one of us,
a passion, a longing-pain.
Remember the lips
where the wind-breath originated,
and let your note be clear.
Don't try to end it.
Be your note.
I'll show you how it's enough.

Go up on the roof at night
in this city of the soul.

Let everyone climb on their roofs
and sing their notes!

Sing loud!

'Hallelujah' K.D. Lang 2004

this is one of my favorite songs, ever
and I ain't never heard it like K.D. does it!!
There are many versions on YouTube, this is one.

In every stage, in every emotion, in every position, in every love and in every loss... Hallelujah
; ) w

Desire & Fear

.
Tuesday, January 26, 2010

When I was meditating last night,
I was working with Buddha in a way we often do together:
in a flow of 'Supreme Being' Energy,
utilizing a meditation technique my tradition calls 'body of glass' (consciously letting go / being willing to release and asking / allowing my attachments and resistances to wash away – which in the language of this prayer below, are closely related to desire and fear : )

This prayer below was brought to mind. I meant to look it up today, but ended up 'coincidentally' stumbling upon it. I plan to use it in my meditations today; it covers several areas in which I still have plenty of ‘sticky points’.

I enjoyed a Really blessed meditation last night (not Always the case ; )
Then spoke briefly with my close friend Scott on the phone, in a very self-validating place.

Lately, my spiritual work has been focused a lot around trusting Gd, trusting the Universe, trusting Life...

I am noticing a marked difference in myself in this trip. From my perspective, this process of trusting Gd more deeply is effecting my NJ trip very positively:
- with less need for control,
- and a deeper ability to let go of 'perfect pictures' (having to live up to certain ideals, ethics, using a lot of effort to try to be ‘perfect'! ; )
- so I can go with the flow more – which is more comfortable and efficacious and fun for me and everyone around me ; )

This course of events, put me in an optimal place to handle the challenges that came next, gracefully - I received a couple of e-mails that occur as ‘bumps in the road’ in my ministry. Feels good when I am 'in the flow' - I may not Like everything that happens, but it feels peaceful and solid to Trust the process...

Blessings, and the gift of trusting God more and more deeply to all!

Deliver me, O Jesus:

From the desire of being loved,

From the desire of being extolled,

From the desire of being honored,

From the desire of being praised,

From the desire of being preferred,

From the desire of being consulted,

From the desire of being approved,

From the desire of being popular,

From the fear of being humiliated,

From the fear of being despised,

From the fear of suffering rebuked,

From the fear of being calumniated,

From the fear of being forgotten,

From the fear of being wronged,

From the fear of being ridiculed,

From the fear of being suspected.

- Mother Teresa, in `Mother Teresa, A Simple Path'

This prayer has been associated with Mother Teresa, because it was a prayer she utilized regularly. But, it was written by Rafael Cardinal Merry del Val (1865-1930), the secretary of state for Pope Saint Pius X.

(btw, calumniate - To make maliciously or knowingly false statements about.)

Energy/Money Exchange

.
A couple months ago I participated in a Facebook conversation which started with the question "Why don't we, all of us, decide who gets paid what according to how much one contributes to the whole of humanity, rather than the other way around?" This is was my response:

Until the beginning of this year, I have worked under a 'suggested donation' model in my ministry. I have noticed in the last few years, even though I encourage folks how important it is to 'ask' so we can receive, and overcome limits, and consciously co-create for themselves, etc - and I actively lead with 'I never let money stand in the way' of my students. I am forthright about things I need besides money: to utilize barter, referrals, etc to balance energy exchange. Still, often folks don't talk to me about compensation, and don't participate in classes and personal sessions, allegedly because of money concerns.

I have learned from this in my own life, to talk to people about how much to pay them. For example, I made a deal with my body-worker which feels very good to both of us. Sometimes I end up paying him a little less than he would receive hourly from a usual client, sometimes I end up paying him more than he would ask for a particular treatment. We both feel very good about our work together, we are inspired to be generous with each other, and we both feel we are getting well compensated for what we are each investing. This has shown my how well this kind of open-hearted communication / compensation works.

I recently started operating according to 'gift economy' in my ministry. (I ask folks to gift "me an amount that feels good and right and fair to them, that they can afford, and that they can give joyfully") I was inspired to this by my friend Tree who has been operating like this for a long time - she has a useful overview.

I have been amazed how much I am enjoying this change, and the energy has definitely shifted my ministry, very positively.

My point, relative to your question is: we Can each decide in our every-day life (on the micro-level, which affects the macro-level) who gets paid what, for what. I plan to incorporate this more and more in my life. It is a very empowering, conscious way to live. And I believe it Will change how our bigger social systems work, as more of us change the way we individually relate to money, compensation, balancing energy-exchange between us...

He kept on learning and growing and working

.
I recently learned that Vincent van Gogh created the 4th highest priced painting ever - 1990 for $134.6 million (adjusted for comparison to 2009 dollars). 6 of his paintings are in the top 30 highest paid ever.

BUT, while he lived, he sold one painting in his whole life - ONE, for not a lot...

He was very poor, supported by his dear brother - the only solid relationship in his life, it seems.

He was a master, standing in the light - which was just too much for him to take! With (almost) no love for himself as a person and (almost) no outside validation of his work. And he kept on learning and growing and working, until he couldn't do it no more.

Gd bless him, IDK how he got so far; so very far with so very little from the outside...

I come away from this encounter very grateful for the much (which sometimes seems like Not Enough!! : ) outside love and validation I receive.

Wow I am encouraged to keep going! I hope you are too!

everything you do is sacred

.

NOW IS THE TIME, Hafiz:

 

Now is the time to know 

That all that you do is sacred. 

Now, why not consider 

A lasting truce with yourself and God. 

Now is the time to understand 

That all your ideas of right and wrong 

Were just a child's training wheels 

To be laid aside 

When you finally live 

With veracity 

And love. 

Hafiz is a divine envoy 

Whom the Beloved 

Has written a holy message upon. 

My dear, please tell me, 

Why do you still 

Throw sticks at your heart 

And God? 

What is it in that sweet voice inside 

That incites you to fear? 

Now is the time for the world to know 

That every thought and action is sacred. 

This is the time for you to compute the impossibility 

That there is anything But Grace. 

Now is the season to know 

That everything you do Is sacred.

If you put your hands on this oar with me...

.

THAT LIVES IN US, Rumi

If you put your hands on this oar with me,
they will never harm another, and they will come to find
they hold everything you want.

If you put your hands on this oar with me, they would no longer
lift anything to your
mouth that might wound your precious land-
that sacred earth that is
your body.

If you put your soul against this oar with me,
the power that made the universe will enter your sinew
from a source not outside your limbs, but from a holy realm
that lives in us.

Exuberant is existence, time a husk.
When the moment cracks open, ecstasy leaps out and devours space;
love goes mad with the blessings, like my words give.

Why lay yourself on the torturer’s rack of the past and future?
The mind that tries to shape tomorrow beyond its capacities
will find no rest.

Be kind to yourself, dear- to our innocent follies.
Forget any sounds or touch you knew that did not help you dance.
You will come to see that all evolves us.

If you put your heart against the earth with me, in serving
every creature, our Beloved will enter you from our sacred realm
and we will be, we will be
so happy.

Gd shall supply all your need

Now No Trace Remains, Niyazi Misri

I thought that in this whole world
no beloved for me remained.
Then I left myself.
Now no stranger in the world remains.

I used to see in every object a thorn
but never a rose–
the universe became a rose garden.
Not a single thorn remains.

Day and night my heart
was moaning “Ahhh!”
I don’t know how it happened–
now no “Ahhh” remains.

Duality went, Unity came.
I met with the Friend in private;
The multitude left, the One came.
Only the One remains.

Religion, piety, custom, reputation–
these used to matter greatly to me.
O Niyazi — what has happened to you?
No trace of religion now remains.

This exposition is greatly appreciated - I think we need it, to help make the truth real for our bodies:
because our personal pain, loneliness, ambivalence, striving... is SO REAL to us.
The answer, the fulfillment we seek, cannot possibly be simple, can it?

Well, yes it can, and it has been said very succinctly, as well:

God shall supply all your need according to his riches in glory (Philippians 4)

Most important IMO, is to notice the singular - we only have One real need!

We look at the physical, and we seem to have 10,000 needs - an alphabetized list!
But, when we allow ourselves to Know our Oneness, all our need is supplied.

Religious/social/cultural/economic/racial... camps/ghettos

.
I am quoting words, but to see/hear the video is so much deeper, IMO. You can see links to full transcript as well as video for this, here.

Interview on NOW August 11, 2006: David Brancaccio with playwright, actress Anna Deavere Smith:

BRANCACCIO: How do you hope your work— evoking these characters coming from so many different angles. How do you hope that it moves us in a more positive direction?

SMITH: One of the things I try to talk about whenever I talk to younger people, I do a lot of speaking at universities for example, is out of my experiences of having been in Crown Heights and Los Angeles in the '90s I came away with this metaphor that I call safe houses of identity. That we live in safe houses of identity. And— even in my generation, there was this promise in those— in those days that the— women deciding to be women, blacks deciding to be black, the anti war movement. That there was gonna be this whole new mix up. Everything's gonna be all mixed up. We were all gonna challenge the white hegemony. But what happened was it didn't end up being this mix up. There started to be these little identity camps.

And when I was in LA, I mean this was quite clear. I mean there's the Asians here, the black kids are burning Korean stores, etcetera, etcetera. So what I want to suggest to the new generation, younger kids, is hey guys how about if we come out of those well established houses of gays here, bisexuals here, all these little camps, were all these camps. How about if you come out of the safe house of your identity, where are you gonna end up? So it's kind of fancy words, but I said you're gonna be in the crossroads of ambiguity. And guess what, you can't go back to the house you came out of.

But out here in the middle where there is no house, in this crossroads of ambiguity, we might be able to get something really fascinating happening.

BRANCACCIO: And that's the public space.

SMITH: That's the public space. And I warned younger people it ain't safe. So I don't use words like safety when I teach. I talk about resilience. Knowing how to move, knowing how to be in motion, knowing how to deal with discomfort. So I think we have to get off of where we think we just know everything. And think about becoming more resilient about what we don't know. And getting better at asking questions. And having fewer answers. If we want to accomplish the kinds of things we want to try to accomplish.

If you want even more, Anna Deavere Smith was interviewed by Bill Moyers a few months ago – links to video and transcript are here

just cut off dualism

.

If you want to avoid experiencing reversal, just cut off dualism; 

then measurements cannot govern you. 

You are neither Buddha nor sentient being; 

you are not near or far, not high or low, not equal or even, not going or coming. 

- Pai-chang

This is one that really hits me where I live, 

where it seems I experience the most pain (clearly from attachment). 

I suffer over what I have lost, over what I will lose 

- relationships & people in bodies that I love, fitness & wellness, the joy of being in this body 

- everything that is not spirit: emotions, thoughts, things... 

The more I have the more I fear to lose... 

 I suffer. 

But, it turns out the solution is so very easy: 

just let go of dualism... 

I think I will fit that in this afternoon between eating bon-bons and washing my hair ; ) 

Really this quote validates and encourages me, 

but what a journey this is - aye! 

 the f*&^%n human condition! 

 such a challenging blessing 

 

Consciously working with Gd and allowing spiritual change helps so much with this, 

AND my body grieves. 

 We are all in the same boat. 

Gd bless us all, everyone!

Inside this new love, die

.

Inside this new love, die. 

Your way begins on the other side. 

Become the sky. 

Take an axe to the prison wall. 

Escape. 

Walk out like someone suddenly born into color. 

Do it now. 

You're covered with a thick cloud. 

Slide out the side. 

Die, and be quiet. 

Quietness is the surest sign that you've died. 

Your old life was a frantic running from silence. 

The speechless full moon comes out now.

 

-Rumi

A holy Yea unto life

.

the three transformations

Joseph Campbell writes in his book (The Power of Myth p. 153-154) about the three transformations of the spirit...

The first is that of the camel, of childhood and youth. The camel gets down on his knees and says, 'Put a load on me.' This is the season for obedience, receiving instruction and the information your society requires of you in order to live a responsible life.

But when the camel is well loaded, it struggles to its feet and runs out into the desert, where it is transformed into a lion-- the heavier the load that had been carried, the stronger the lion will be. Now, the task of the lion is to kill a dragon, and the name of the dragon is 'Thou shalt.' On every scale of this scaly beast, a 'thou shalt' is imprinted: some from four thousand years ago; others from this morning's headlines. Whereas the camel, the child, had to submit to the 'thou shalts', the lion, the youth, is to throw them off and to come to his own realization.

And so, when the dragon is thoroughly dead, with all its 'thou shalts' overcome, the lion is transformed into a child moving out of its own nature, like a wheel impelled from it own hub. No more rules to obey. No more rules derived from the historical needs and tasks of the local society, but the pure impulse to living of a life in flower.

*********
for the game of creating, there is needed a holy Yea unto life

the direct copy from Nietzsche is longer and denser, if you are interested it is below. Check out this one part though, very inspiring:

Innocence is the child, and forgetfulness, a new beginning, a game, a self- rolling wheel, a first movement, a holy Yea.
Aye, for the game of creating, my brethren, there is needed a holy Yea unto life: ITS OWN will, willeth now the spirit; HIS OWN world winneth the world's outcast.

*************
Zarathustra: The Three Metamorphoses

I. The Three Metamorphoses.
Three metamorphoses of the spirit do I designate to you: how the spirit becometh a camel, the camel a lion, and the lion at last a child.
Many heavy things are there for the spirit, the strong load-bearing spirit in which reverence dwelleth: for the heavy and the heaviest longeth its strength.
What is heavy? so asketh the load-bearing spirit; then kneeleth it down like the camel, and wanteth to be well laden.
What is the heaviest thing, ye heroes? asketh the load-bearing spirit, that I may take it upon me and rejoice in my strength.
Is it not this: To humiliate oneself in order to mortify one's pride? To exhibit one's folly in order to mock at one's wisdom?
Or is it this: To desert our cause when it celebrateth its triumph? To ascend high mountains to tempt the tempter?
Or is it this: To feed on the acorns and grass of knowledge, and for the sake of truth to suffer hunger of soul?
Or is it this: To be sick and dismiss comforters, and make friends of the deaf, who never hear thy requests?
Or is it this: To go into foul water when it is the water of truth, and not disclaim cold frogs and hot toads?
Or is it this: To love those who despise us, and give one's hand to the phantom when it is going to frighten us?
All these heaviest things the load-bearing spirit taketh upon itself: and like the camel, which, when laden, hasteneth into the wilderness, so hasteneth the spirit into its wilderness.

But in the loneliest wilderness happeneth the second metamorphosis: here the spirit becometh a lion; freedom will it capture, and lordship in its own wilderness.
Its last Lord it here seeketh: hostile will it be to him, and to its last God; for victory will it struggle with the great dragon.
What is the great dragon which the spirit is no longer inclined to call Lord and God? "Thou-shalt," is the great dragon called. But the spirit of the lion saith, "I will."
"Thou-shalt," lieth in its path, sparkling with gold--a scale-covered beast; and on every scale glittereth golden, "Thou shalt!"
The values of a thousand years glitter on those scales, and thus speaketh the mightiest of all dragons: "All the values of things--glitter on me.
All values have already been created, and all created values--do I represent. Verily, there shall be no 'I will' any more. Thus speaketh the dragon.
My brethren, wherefore is there need of the lion in the spirit? Why sufficeth not the beast of burden, which renounceth and is reverent?
To create new values--that, even the lion cannot yet accomplish: but to create itself freedom for new creating--that can the might of the lion do.
To create itself freedom, and give a holy Nay even unto duty: for that, my brethren, there is need of the lion.
To assume the right to new values--that is the most formidable assumption for a load-bearing and reverent spirit. Verily, unto such a spirit it is preying, and the work of a beast of prey.
As its holiest, it once loved "Thou-shalt": now is it forced to find illusion and arbitrariness even in the holiest things, that it may capture freedom from its love: the lion is needed for this capture.
But tell me, my brethren, what the child can do, which even the lion could not do? Why hath the preying lion still to become a child?
Innocence is the child, and forgetfulness, a new beginning, a game, a self- rolling wheel, a first movement, a holy Yea.
Aye, for the game of creating, my brethren, there is needed a holy Yea unto life: ITS OWN will, willeth now the spirit; HIS OWN world winneth the world's outcast.
Three metamorphoses of the spirit have I designated to you: how the spirit became a camel, the camel a lion, and the lion at last a child.--
Thus spake Zarathustra. And at that time he abode in the town which is called The Pied Cow.

***************
freedom to create

My friends ask me an important Question:
why bother to work so f#$%^&n hard to kill the Dragon?

My Answer, one amoung many:

Because then we can enjoy our spiritual freedom
(Paul says – ‘let us labor to enter into rest’ )

and gain the authority to be conscious co-creators
(Jesus says – what you bind/loose on earth shall be bound/loosed in heaven)

AMEN

Divine Love

.

A GOLDEN COMPASS, Hafiz: 

Forget every idea of right and wrong 

Any classroom ever taught you 

Because An empty heart, a tormented mind, Unkindness, jealousy and fear 

Are always the testimony 

You have been completely fooled! 

Turn your back on those 

Who would imprison your wondrous spirit 

With deceit and lies. 

Come, join the honest company Of the King's beggars – 

Those gamblers, scoundrels and divine clowns 

And those astonishing fair courtesans 

Who need Divine Love every night. 

Come, join the courageous 

Who have no choice 

But to bet their entire world 

That indeed, Indeed, God is Real. 

I will lead you into the Circle Of the Beloved's cunning thieves, 

Those playful royal rogues 

– The ones you can trust for true guidance – 

Who can aid you In this Blessed Calamity of life. 

Hafiz, Look at the Perfect One At the Circle's Center: 

He Spins and Whirls like a Golden Compass, 

Beyond all that is Rational, 

To show this dear world 

That Everything, Everything in Existence 

Does point to God.

Spiritual healing through physical AND energetic means

Interaction on another spiritual board a couple months ago. Initiating comments are in

block quotes:

Emotional pain is held in the body.
That means that all of us are suffering from some level of PTSD.

I am glad you wrote this, I couldn't agree more and it is so helpful, from my perspective, to validate this.
SO many of us are walking wounded.

There are many ways of releasing this, however, and direct body-work is one of the very best, because while spiritual practice in theory can go deep enough, the reality is that this buried pain is also a barrier to going that deeply in spiritual practice.

I am a big proponent of body work (massage, etc) in conjunction with conscious spiritual/energy work. I have found it helps my body to release the habits of 'holding' and pain, as well as the energy that I mis-stored in it.

I have found utilizing my meditation techniques before, especially during, and directly after body work, help me to get so much more out of a treatment. I can more comfortably release, and let go of A Lot more in each treatment. No matter how proficient the body work is, I get good value. When I work with great body workers, I see amazing change in my body. AND I `hold' the changes, very often.

In the past, when I was less conscious about working on a spiritual/energy level to heal, I was in a lot of pain. I received quite a lot of body work, and it did not `hold'. For example, about a dozen years ago, I went every other week for work on my lower back, etc for well over a year - to someone who is a very good body worker. I would feel quite well after the treatment, with a low level of back pain. Then almost exactly 24 hours later (I noticed this after about a year!) I would be hit with major fatigue and have to go to bed for about a day (give or take) – I was completely useless during that time - physically ill and emotionally overwhelmed. After awhile, my lower back pain would slowly return and I would resume my regular life, with no real lasting change.

I didn't know then, but I sure see it clearly now, I was experiencing something that can be called the `rubber-band effect'. I couldn't `hold' the change. My current perception of my experience back then is that I could make the physical change, but I couldn't make the deep spiritual/energetic change (I wouldn't let go, and let Gd about some things - but I was unaware of this...), so the physical changes I had made, changed back.

I see my system as an orchestrated unit working hand-in-glove – when the body changes, I have to be willing to change spiritually as well, or the body changes back. Or, as I can allow change spiritually, the body changes to come into alignment.

The end of my story of my back is – I did major, major spiritual/energy work about the issues in my lower back (most of it around abuse), mostly in meditation and also during body work. It took a long time and it was sometimes hellish to deal with the 'pictures', emotions, patterns, etc, as they came up and out of my system! But now I almost never have an issue with my back, for a couple years now – after living with varying levels of lower back issues (from immobilizing to merely annoying) since I was 16. Hallelujah, this is a wonderful thing! And, even better than living with much less physical pain – I live my life with much less of the sadness, despair, fear, hate, victim patterns, etc, that I had been 'storing' in my lower back, as well.

To the Spiritual Healing available to us!
Amen!

Hate replaced by love - in reality

From a spiritual board, someone asked a couple months ago:

I really would not know how to cease hatred by love.
Sounds good in theory, but how does one actually do it?

I replied:

Yes, I actually do experience ceasing hatred through 'love'.
The results are palpable to me, my friends and my family.
I am blessed to watch many other folks change their lives, and then the world around them changes as well.

This is not an intellectual or emotional exercise,
it is part of our spiritual work:
opening to the energy of love, choosing to let go of the energy of hate.

I practice meditation techniques which consciously release energy that doesn't serve (such as hate or fear or invalidation...)
and also consciously receive energy that does serve (of things like affinity or validation or faith...)

The journey can go through many layers and may take time, attention, intention...
It is sometimes joyful and sometimes ridiculously challenging - but Always Exciting - I strongly believe it is worth it!

Although I believe the meditation techniques I use are very powerful and helpful, they are not Necessary.
We can just spiritually ask and receive from Gd.

IDENTIFYING Myself with Progress doesn't serve me

.
I received the quote I just put in post before this one, from a friend a few months ago, and wrote him the following.

.
O, O, thank you
I need these reminders!

One of my Big temptations is 'I will be better in the future'

I have very much struggled with this issue, and continue to – to a lesser degree.

I wrote my friends when I was Really up-against / struggling / had come to a ‘crisis point’ with these issues - about 14 months ago. It is below if you are interested.

It was very validating for me to read what I had written about it again today. In a RELATIVELY short time, I am much more comfortable with these issues. I feel like a different person than the one who wrote about the challenges below.

All the stuff is Still There.
But, as I so fervently hoped and prayed: the issues have settled down to a 'dull roar'.

My perception of my life now, is more bright, comfortable, validating, empowered, self-referential, allowing love and acceptance...
WOW, what a blessing.

Again, thank you for sharing the quote!

**************

July 15, 2008 - Notes from the Bleeding Edge

AA says 'progress not perfection'
A lot of wisdom there, and it is helpful - very.

AND, what I am Finally starting to be able to see/hear is that IDENTIFYING Myself with Progress doesn't serve me, at the deepest levels.
Deeply, in Gd, it is about BEING Only.

I have spent my whole life striving to be Better, in a million ways BETTER (because clearly I suck!)
I strive to be better so I can have and be and do; but especially to justify my existence, and hope to get/keep love.

The phrase that goes so well with this striving way of being is Amy Grant's song:

Don't give up on me, I'm gonna make it
I know it's hard for you to see
Don't give up on me, I couldn't take it
If part of me should keep you from seeing
The part of me that should start you believing
I'm changing, so please don't give up on me

What she is pointing at is somewhat different than what I am, but the trajectory is the same.
The basic assumption that I am not good enough... But just hold on! I'll be better tomorrow! (repeat! Forever!)
Not useful for the deep stuff, I am finding - ego all of it, even the seemingly most 'spiritual' aspirations.

The fog cleared on Saturday for about an hour, and Gd had me see clearly that a big place I have been stuck, in resistance, is in judgment of myself.
I saw 2 me's, stuck! Wrestling, in a stand-off.

ASIDE:
Sometimes my powerful, bullish nature stands me in great stead when I am pointed in a beneficial direction and moving - go inertia!
But when I am fighting myself, wow I can sure get powerful stuck!
When I feel powerless and lack energy, I bet in part, it is because of all these isometrics...
END ASIDE

I saw one me:
1) wagging my finger and
2) holding at arms length and
3) hitting with a mace
The OTHER ME.
Not the easiest or funnest way to live or move forward… gracefully : )

This is where I have learned once before (fortunately), it is time to stop TRYING so hard to change, to grow, to let go, to be good.
It is time to let go of my Agenda and all that freakin' Effort.
Let go and let Gd, AA says - and it is very relevant here!

This is where I can easily stumble: Utilizing my very powerful meditation techniques for so long I have become so habituated to spiritually 'letting go' so usefully, to let go of what I don't want.
But at my Core Issues, the key isn't eschewing what I don't want - that, in the end, can be based on more judgment and resistance.

I think I need to say that again:
When dealing with my Core Issues, the key is not eschewing what I don't want - that, in the end, can be based on judgment and resistance.
The key is without effort to ALLOW, to ACCEPT, to EMBRACE, to LOVE, to VALIDATE myself – of course what this means is allowing myself to receive these things from Gd!!

The only way out is through, because really, truly, I have found that WHAT I RESIST, PERSISTS.
And truly the only thing that makes change possible (if I let go my death-grip on it ; ) is Acceptance.

ASIDE:
What the f*^%l? How weird is this system!
You cannot make this stuff up: the only thing that makes change possible is acceptance! Crazy talk!
It is great in theory – I know this in theory - but in reality, when my life is on the line, this is Crazy Talk!
It is always so funny, this spiritual life, over and over I feel like Alice in Wonderland ; )
END ASIDE


What is behind all this gnashing of teeth, I believe boils down to the trenchant lie: "clearly I suck!"
Hopefully someday soon this lie, and all the striving it engenders, will settle down to a dull roar, and I'll let it stop running my life!

Fortunately, I have paths to do this, and techniques that do this. Gd is good.
This self-judgment is slowly clearing, I guess… I hope.

So often along my path, and now, Dr Bruce Morgan's wisdom helps me.
I am trusting in the process without knowing where the goal is!
Dr Bruce used to say that was the feminine spiritual creative principal (or something like that!)

I have been receiving sustenance and signposts from ruminating on basic Buddhism (4 noble truths, etc)

Also, there are 3 Christian scriptures that have been rattling around in my system, which have been a life-line for me and feed me - I will append them.

Thank you for your listening and your love

Hallelujah!

*****

I am sending these three verses in the words I have them stored in my system, with some Commentary, and then in a 'normal version' (New American Standard), and lastly in The Message version – which I am getting very enrolled in, it is often very sweet - as well as, of course, accessible:

Acts 17:27-28
How I store it:

In Him we live and move and have our being

My Commentary:

Gd is with me, I am with Gd, I am in Gd, Gd is in me, Gd and I are one, I am a part of Gd, I am Gd.

NAS:

that they would seek God, if perhaps they might grope for Him and find Him, though He is not far from each one of us; for in Him we live and move and exist, as even some of your own poets have said, 'For we also are His children.'

The Message:

He doesn't play hide-and-seek with us. He's not remote; he's near. We live and move in him, can't get away from him! One of your poets said it well: 'We're the God-created.'

Romans 8:38 - 39
How I store it:

Nothing can separate us from the love of Gd

My Commentary:

I don't have to be or do a certain thing to be loved, I can let go of fear and control; there is nowhere to go, there is nothing to prove, it is possible to just Be and be ok, loved, accepted, whole, fulfilled…

NAS:

For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing, will be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

The Message:

I'm absolutely convinced that nothing - nothing living or dead, angelic or demonic, today or tomorrow, high or low, thinkable or unthinkable - absolutely nothing can get between us and God's love because of the way that Jesus our Master has embraced us.

Romans 8:28
How I store it:

All things work together for good, for those who love Gd and are called according to His purpose.

My Commentary:

It is possible to trust Gd, to trust life, to trust my place in this world, to trust myself, to trust my path; I can stop trying so *%^^! hard every blessed minute, I can let go and let Gd.

NAS:

And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.

The Message:

That's why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good.

Amen.

Living in the present moment

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We all have the tendency to struggle in our bodies and in our minds. We believe that happiness is possible only in the future. The realization that we have already arrived, that we don't have to travel any further, that we are already here, can give us peace and joy. The conditions for our happiness are already sufficient. We only need to allow ourselves to be in the present moment, and we will be able to touch them. What are we looking for to be happy? Everything is already here. We do not need to put an object in front of us to run after, believing that until we get it, we cannot be happy. That object is always in the future, and we can never catch up to it. We are already in the Pure Land, the Kingdom of God. We are already a Buddha. We only need to wake up and realize we are already here.
- Thich Nhat Hanh:

(I have comment about this in the next post)

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What we Resist, Persists

. Here's a snip from: Wellington Tan, Inner Wisdom Newsletter: 

 Love Your Shadows 

"

Each of us has characteristics we define as ‘good’ and those we define as ‘bad.’ 

The parts of ourselves that we continually reject want to be acknowledged and loved. 

Until we honour these aspects, they will continue to assert themselves. 

They will do whatever they can to get our attention. 

What aspects of yourself do you reject? 

Take a few moments to open to the parts of yourself that you do not love. 

See each one honestly for what it is. 

Explore the wounds and the motives that gave rise to its condition. 

Love a wounded part of yourself and it will heal.

"Strangely enough we strengthen love in ourselves when we raise into consciousness the shadow side of our lives. 

Conversely, when we keep negative feelings out of sight, they smother the love that seems to lie deeper and closer to the real self. 

This is probably why there is so much pain in not loving. 

The life that is not able to express the love which is so integral to it grows deformed." 

~ Elizabeth O'Connor

(WRW added whitespace)