IDENTIFYING Myself with Progress doesn't serve me

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I received the quote I just put in post before this one, from a friend a few months ago, and wrote him the following.

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O, O, thank you
I need these reminders!

One of my Big temptations is 'I will be better in the future'

I have very much struggled with this issue, and continue to – to a lesser degree.

I wrote my friends when I was Really up-against / struggling / had come to a ‘crisis point’ with these issues - about 14 months ago. It is below if you are interested.

It was very validating for me to read what I had written about it again today. In a RELATIVELY short time, I am much more comfortable with these issues. I feel like a different person than the one who wrote about the challenges below.

All the stuff is Still There.
But, as I so fervently hoped and prayed: the issues have settled down to a 'dull roar'.

My perception of my life now, is more bright, comfortable, validating, empowered, self-referential, allowing love and acceptance...
WOW, what a blessing.

Again, thank you for sharing the quote!

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July 15, 2008 - Notes from the Bleeding Edge

AA says 'progress not perfection'
A lot of wisdom there, and it is helpful - very.

AND, what I am Finally starting to be able to see/hear is that IDENTIFYING Myself with Progress doesn't serve me, at the deepest levels.
Deeply, in Gd, it is about BEING Only.

I have spent my whole life striving to be Better, in a million ways BETTER (because clearly I suck!)
I strive to be better so I can have and be and do; but especially to justify my existence, and hope to get/keep love.

The phrase that goes so well with this striving way of being is Amy Grant's song:

Don't give up on me, I'm gonna make it
I know it's hard for you to see
Don't give up on me, I couldn't take it
If part of me should keep you from seeing
The part of me that should start you believing
I'm changing, so please don't give up on me

What she is pointing at is somewhat different than what I am, but the trajectory is the same.
The basic assumption that I am not good enough... But just hold on! I'll be better tomorrow! (repeat! Forever!)
Not useful for the deep stuff, I am finding - ego all of it, even the seemingly most 'spiritual' aspirations.

The fog cleared on Saturday for about an hour, and Gd had me see clearly that a big place I have been stuck, in resistance, is in judgment of myself.
I saw 2 me's, stuck! Wrestling, in a stand-off.

ASIDE:
Sometimes my powerful, bullish nature stands me in great stead when I am pointed in a beneficial direction and moving - go inertia!
But when I am fighting myself, wow I can sure get powerful stuck!
When I feel powerless and lack energy, I bet in part, it is because of all these isometrics...
END ASIDE

I saw one me:
1) wagging my finger and
2) holding at arms length and
3) hitting with a mace
The OTHER ME.
Not the easiest or funnest way to live or move forward… gracefully : )

This is where I have learned once before (fortunately), it is time to stop TRYING so hard to change, to grow, to let go, to be good.
It is time to let go of my Agenda and all that freakin' Effort.
Let go and let Gd, AA says - and it is very relevant here!

This is where I can easily stumble: Utilizing my very powerful meditation techniques for so long I have become so habituated to spiritually 'letting go' so usefully, to let go of what I don't want.
But at my Core Issues, the key isn't eschewing what I don't want - that, in the end, can be based on more judgment and resistance.

I think I need to say that again:
When dealing with my Core Issues, the key is not eschewing what I don't want - that, in the end, can be based on judgment and resistance.
The key is without effort to ALLOW, to ACCEPT, to EMBRACE, to LOVE, to VALIDATE myself – of course what this means is allowing myself to receive these things from Gd!!

The only way out is through, because really, truly, I have found that WHAT I RESIST, PERSISTS.
And truly the only thing that makes change possible (if I let go my death-grip on it ; ) is Acceptance.

ASIDE:
What the f*^%l? How weird is this system!
You cannot make this stuff up: the only thing that makes change possible is acceptance! Crazy talk!
It is great in theory – I know this in theory - but in reality, when my life is on the line, this is Crazy Talk!
It is always so funny, this spiritual life, over and over I feel like Alice in Wonderland ; )
END ASIDE


What is behind all this gnashing of teeth, I believe boils down to the trenchant lie: "clearly I suck!"
Hopefully someday soon this lie, and all the striving it engenders, will settle down to a dull roar, and I'll let it stop running my life!

Fortunately, I have paths to do this, and techniques that do this. Gd is good.
This self-judgment is slowly clearing, I guess… I hope.

So often along my path, and now, Dr Bruce Morgan's wisdom helps me.
I am trusting in the process without knowing where the goal is!
Dr Bruce used to say that was the feminine spiritual creative principal (or something like that!)

I have been receiving sustenance and signposts from ruminating on basic Buddhism (4 noble truths, etc)

Also, there are 3 Christian scriptures that have been rattling around in my system, which have been a life-line for me and feed me - I will append them.

Thank you for your listening and your love

Hallelujah!

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I am sending these three verses in the words I have them stored in my system, with some Commentary, and then in a 'normal version' (New American Standard), and lastly in The Message version – which I am getting very enrolled in, it is often very sweet - as well as, of course, accessible:

Acts 17:27-28
How I store it:

In Him we live and move and have our being

My Commentary:

Gd is with me, I am with Gd, I am in Gd, Gd is in me, Gd and I are one, I am a part of Gd, I am Gd.

NAS:

that they would seek God, if perhaps they might grope for Him and find Him, though He is not far from each one of us; for in Him we live and move and exist, as even some of your own poets have said, 'For we also are His children.'

The Message:

He doesn't play hide-and-seek with us. He's not remote; he's near. We live and move in him, can't get away from him! One of your poets said it well: 'We're the God-created.'

Romans 8:38 - 39
How I store it:

Nothing can separate us from the love of Gd

My Commentary:

I don't have to be or do a certain thing to be loved, I can let go of fear and control; there is nowhere to go, there is nothing to prove, it is possible to just Be and be ok, loved, accepted, whole, fulfilled…

NAS:

For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing, will be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

The Message:

I'm absolutely convinced that nothing - nothing living or dead, angelic or demonic, today or tomorrow, high or low, thinkable or unthinkable - absolutely nothing can get between us and God's love because of the way that Jesus our Master has embraced us.

Romans 8:28
How I store it:

All things work together for good, for those who love Gd and are called according to His purpose.

My Commentary:

It is possible to trust Gd, to trust life, to trust my place in this world, to trust myself, to trust my path; I can stop trying so *%^^! hard every blessed minute, I can let go and let Gd.

NAS:

And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.

The Message:

That's why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good.

Amen.