Your Way through Darkness

You are spirit, you are precious to God and many others.
You are unstoppably on your path.
You are whole and complete, full of Light and Possibility.
Your conscious, palpable experience of this reality is growing.

You know these habits of thought and storehouses of feelings that plague you, 

are not you.

They are vestigial detritus,
the shadow that stands in the way of Light;
in the way of owning yourself, your body, your life, your world, and your amazing contribution in this reality.

You are so brave and tenacious in your healing, spiritual deepening, soul evolution;
especially as you engage in your cleansing process:

Allowing dark, ugly, heavy, viscous, vile energies/ pictures/ experiences/ identifications, habits...
- to rise from their shallow graves, as well as from from your core,
- to say hello to them, keeping your wisdom,
- to de-energize them - taking your power and efficacy back from them, and then
- to let them go: clearing them from your space forever: putting them to rest.

These dark energies and fixed way of being
have been the foundation you have been living your life upon.
But, as you move forward, your foundation is shifting.

Like Joshua, allow yourself to 

BE strong and courageous.

You are stopping being and identifying as a slave to anything and everything, inside or outside yourself.
You are stopping being and identifying as a wanderer: un-moored, impotent, disenfranchised, alien.
You are coming HOME, although you will need to Stand for it, OWN it.

You are continuing being and identifying as The Authority in your inner space: 
every step you take, owning back the land that is already yours.

You are learning and building muscle as you make war upon anything and everything that stands in your way.
Your ownership, your way, your truth, your light, your life, your reign, your dominion: 

inexorably, by any means necessary.

You are winning back your spiritual freedom, your free will, your greatest gift in this reality. 

Don Juan said:
The basic difference between an ordinary man and a warrior
is that a warrior takes everything as a challenge
while an ordinary man takes everything as a blessing or a curse.
― Carlos Castaneda

In your inner land:
Is IT happening to you, or are YOU happening to it?
This is the fundamental choice of your life, every moment.

This context is some of what supports me to keep moving
when I experience ambush 

by heavy, stuck, darkness.

Viktor Frankl pointed to this amazing truth for us humans:
we can bear any challenge, if we have meaning.

What is a big enough Truth
to hold you on your Way through darkness
until you break through to experience the reality of your Light and Life Abundant?

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All Manner of Things Shall be Well

On a forest road, off of Mountain Loop Highway:
my favorite Mountain area near Seattle,
a quick and easy connection to Momma Nature,

I got stuck in the snow, in my friend's RV.

I had been on this road, near its singular entrance, for 27 hours,
and had only seen one truck come and go.
I was now near the top of one of 3 branches of this road.

I tried many ways to release the RV from the snow:
digging,
rocking,
wedging branches behind the tires
… repeat.

The snow was like a sno-cone,
packed down hard after much thawing, freezing,
so that my big-self on my little-feet barely sank-in.

Which was convenient for walking around,
not so convenient for getting the RV free.
I grumbled to myself: 'Darn this front-wheel-drive RV, with it's weight is over the back tires!'

After the RV was not immediately released,
I had offered a quick mock-up (prayer), that I would shift out of this with ease,
and set restfully to work, without haste, without fear, without concern:

All will be well...
All is well.

This is just an adventure, of many adventures.

I met my friend David, about a dozen years ago, in Baja.
He loved to say at the time:
Adventures start when breakdowns occur.

Of course, he is right. 
And what a blessing to stand in that place.  A place of serendipity.
Life, God breaks-through and breathes new direction into my well-laid plans.

It is a joy to have the luxury of time.

So that a breakdown has the time/space/energy to be a joy, a blessing;
not a time to hold my breath while I am knocked off-kilter.

Usually my life feels like there is never! enough! time/space/energy,
and of course that is tied directly to money.
Breakdowns usually seem to mean a cascade of frustrations and disappointments.

In my life, I think this is one of the most undermining cycles that I get caught in:
the lie that there is not enough time/space/energy/money.
and that the answer is to rush! to try! harder!

As if scurrying and effort actually get me anywhere...

It was Wednesday afternoon in late-May, the least traveled time of the week in a National Forest,
at a time of year unpopular for summer-activities, as well as waning interest in winter-activities.
It crossed my mind that another vehicle may not come way up here, until the weekend.

I had plenty of supplies, so my only real concern was the cold,
for the RV was resting on and surrounded by snow.
I knew I could handle the cold, with the resources I had... possibly even comfortably.

Or... I could walk the many miles down to the 'main' road,
although it would be near the edge of my endurance.

So, I went about, doing what I could do,
working/playing with snow and the RV:
in peace, in contentment, in play and in comfortable challenge.

And a half-hour after I got stuck,
long before I was out of schemes to disengage myself from this rut I got myself into,
up the road came a truck.

I was pleasantly surprised!
And as I walked up to the truck and the party unfolded before me,
I knew that God was taking amazing care of me.

This 4-wheel drive truck had a sweet man driving,
with his wife sitting beside,
with two dogs romping out of the back,
and next a babe-in-arms emerging out of the cab.

I knew I was ok.
Even if it had been 4 guys in the truck, drinking beer and toting rifles (a more likely option out here).
I knew I was ok.

But my body/thoughts/emotions were a lot happier with this rescue party
I now found frolicking around me.
A family who lived 50 miles away, and hadn't been up here in months...

The guy had a four wheel drive,
a heavy-duty web that easily hooked to our vehicles,
and he did all the work.

It took no time,
and when we were done,
he would take no money, or food, or anything I offered.

It was a joy though, to repay the debt,
when (you can't make this stuff up) they got stuck in the same snow I did,
and I was right there to pull them out. 

Ha. God is Good.

God is so good to me! and
I rest in the gentle arms of Momma Nature.
This is always true, but often I don't notice.

Jesus said: 'when your eye is single, your whole body also is full of light.'
One of the things I love about being out in Momma Nature:
life is so simple, uncomplicated, singular, of human-scale.

I sleep.  I eat.  I do nothing.
I read.  I write.  I play with quotes.
I hike.  I play in a creek.  I lay on stones in the sun.

I daydream.  I vision.  I meditate.
I play with Spirit.  I savor Momma Nature.
I just be, I am.

In day-to-day life, there are so many layers of challenge.

As we all do, I have so many piles of to-dos,
so many people/places/things to manage.
I am a good juggler and yet, life is intense.

I enjoy being in Momma Nature
where I can let that all stand aside:
challenges are straightforward, uncomplicated, solvable.

In this scenario,
a need for a bit more friction under the front wheels,
or a little help from a gracious stranger.

Less then an hour after getting stuck in the snow,
I was off on a hike up the road through which I couldn't drive.
With my snowshoes on my back.

Slipping snowshoes on and off, as needed;
I climbed the gorgeous, increasingly snow-packed road for an hour,
all the way to its amazing end.

Enjoying the view.
Savoring the challenge.
Knowing more deeply that God is with me.

Knowing All is Well…
All Manner of Things Shall be Well.

When have you known God was taking really sweet care of you?  How has that changed your life?

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Being with Issues & Emotions stored in our Bodies

Photo: Anguish by Porschelinn on Flickr

Below is most of the article by Bernie Clark: Issues in our Tissues: Looking at the Emotions We Store in Our Bodies

Just as it is inappropriate and unhealthy to push past our physical edges, it is also unskillful and unhelpful to push past our emotional edges.

The first thing to recognize when strong emotions arise in our yoga practice is: “I am not alone!” Many people experience discomforting emotions and even elating emotions while doing their practice. Just being aware that others have gone through the same experience—and survived very nicely, thank you very much—helps to take the edge off the anxiety of the moment...

We all have issues in our tissues, which is to say, we store emotions in our bodies. Where else could they possible be?

Emotions are not stored out there in some cloud server on the Internet: they are not on a Google computer in hyperspace. They are within you, close at hand and ready at a moment’s notice to manifest.

The dance of yoga is one of playing our edges: we approach the point of being too deep, never actually arriving at this point, and then we back off to see if we can approach that edge again, safely. This is the art: never actually going too deep, but moving constantly towards that edge where the sensations are juicy, where there is definitely something happening, but it is not too much sensation and we are never in danger of ripping the body open.

When we think about our edges we often think in physical terms, and you may well have had such an image in your mind when you read the above words, but we have edges emotionally, mentally and spiritually as well. Just as it is inappropriate and unhealthy to push past our physical edges it is also unskillful and unhelpful to push past our emotional edges. Just as we may have scar tissue in our body that prevents our full range of movement, we often have emotional scar tissue as well that can restrict our interpersonal and lifestyle ranges of movement. These stuck, contracted areas can be painful when worked into and we can only go so far in our yoga practice to really open up...

Once again the answer is to play your edge, but with enhanced awareness.

Our basic emotions exist within us to provide protection, healing and growth—they are not inherently bad: they are in fact very necessary for a whole life well lived. But sometimes emotions are evoked unskillfully and it is in these cases that we need to evaluate the raw experience of the emotion unemotionally, with dispassion.

Let’s take a real life example: let’s say that recently you have begun to experience a strong feeling of fear, desperately wanting to get out of the posture, wanting to scream like crazy, “A pressure on my chest!” as one student recently noted when she went into Straddle (Dragonfly) pose during a Yin Yoga class. She had been practicing Yin Yoga for over a year so this sudden arising of fear was surprising, perplexing and worrying. What does it mean and what should she do?

First, realize that you are not the only one. Emotions will arise at some point in your yoga journey. That is quite natural when you consider that yoga works the full body, not just the physical tissues. Next, consider the depth of the emotions and whether these feelings are limited only to your yoga practice or also arise at other times in life, because if they do, you may want to seek some professional assistance in determining what it means and how to work through the challenge. Finally, know that this is a wonderful opportunity to deepen your yoga practice, to go beyond the mere postures and into the depths of your own being.

Photo: raganmd on Flickr

David Williams, one of the first two Americans to practice Ashtanga Yoga, once observed that the real yoga is what you can’t see. He means that the real process of yoga unfolds beneath the obvious shapes that we contort our bodies into, it involves the breath and the way we pay attention to what is happening within. This is the invitation your strong emotional response is offering you. Rather than blindly or automatically react to the emotion, cultivate an attitude of acceptance and curiosity. Ask yourself what is really going on: “What is this?”...

Poses in yoga work the body physically and energetically, stimulating the meridian lines that correspond to the major organs of the body and sometimes eliciting strong emotional responses. In the example of the woman who experienced fear while she was in Straddle Pose, she may have created a deep stress along the inner thighs, the adductor muscle group, through which the liver and kidney meridians run. This stress may be sufficient to trigger an emotional response if there is some blockage psychically or emotionally in the pertaining organs of the liver and kidneys.

Regardless of the cause of the emotional response, the prescription is the same: awareness with dispassion. Watch what is occurring without trying to change it, without running away from it, without giving into it in despair or resignation. Of course, as we have already discussed, if you really feel you are past your edge and are too deeply into an emotional state, then back off! But if the emotions are just challenging, not dangerous, stay and observe the raw experience that is occurring. This is when something interesting is about to happen. Don’t miss it!

Ask yourself constantly, “What is this?”

Note the emotions and the associated physical sensations in detail to yourself: what are you feeling, what is your breath like, your heart rate, is there increased tension in your jaw, shoulders, neck? For example, if you are feeling fear, notice what fear feels like: “my breath is shorter and choppy; my shoulders are tense; my thoughts are foggy and I can’t focus.”

Don’t judge these sensations as good or bad and don’t try to change them; just observe them as they are...

To sum up, when a strong emotion arises in the middle of a yoga practice pay attention to it. If it is too strong, back off and perhaps even stop the practice for that day. If this continues to happen to the degree that you can no longer practice skillfully, then seek help from a qualified yoga teacher or counseling. However, if the emotions are challenging but not dangerous, use this opportunity to take your yoga practice to a new level: play the edge of the emotion without going over the edge. Start to observe what is actually occurring, without adding anything to the experience and without taking anything away from it.

One last thought, and for this I will quote Rod Stryker: “If you have never laughed or cried in a yoga class, what are you waiting for?”

  Bernie Clark

The curse and blessing of Perfection

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I used to be dominated by the pressure to be perfect - i.e. to be very different, 'better!', than I was/am and different than I ever could realistically be.
In various layers of my being, consciously and not-consciously, I used to think that I had to be perfect to be loved, to be acceptable, to deserve the earth under my feet and the sun & rain on my face.
I have been allowing shift on this for many years now, layer after layer, thought after habit after emotional default after energetic attachment... shifting and allowing light and lightness. It is a blessing to allow healing and change at the deep layers.

It gave me a lever to help me free myself, when my spiritual teacher told me that there is NO perfection in this world, on the PHYSICAL it is an unobtainable ideal, so it would serve me to let it go.
At the same time. it helped me to see and expereince over and over, from a SPIRITUAL perspective, that Everything and Everyone really is perfect: right now; always have been, always will be. Everything is ALL Right. As Julian of Norwich said: 'All shall be well, and all shall be well and all manner of thing shall be well.' That is the spiritual reality which I expereince, when I tune into my mystical senses.

It also helps me to notice what I think perfect is.

Is it a rigid picture of how someone or something should be, an IDEAL? This doesn't work for me, I never live up to my own or other's idealized pictures of who I should be, what I should look like, and what I should do. And nothing in this world lives up to my idealized pictures either. This is a painful way to live, and it doesn't work for me. Fortunately my spiritual practice has very useful distinctions and practices around these 'perfect pictures' that so often drive us - so I am grateful to be in the process of letting go of them, and the mechanisms behind them, deep in my psyche.

Another way to look at perfect, which I find enlivening:
The Greek word that is often translated as perfect, can also mean "having reached its end, full-grown, complete in all its parts, of full age, consummated goal, mature from going through the necessary stages to reach the end-goal, developed into a consummating completion by fulfilling the necessary process, reaching the end (aim)…"
I find this a useful way to look at 'perfection' - like an acorn that has now become a mighty oak (Dr Bruce Morgan used to say ; )
Of course, I STILL won't get there, until my life completes and I am ready to transition. But, I really like this definition of perfection: to be allowing myself be in active process of wholeness, maturity and coming to completion as MYSELF in my Unique Being and Doing in this world.

And to be clear! I do not mean coming to maturity through Striving, through Effort, though Trying to be bigger, faster, smarter, BETTER!
I mean like a child in the sandbox, playing: and while I play: learning and growing and maturing.
I mean like the beautiful tree BEING itself every day in every way: enjoying the land it is on, soaking up the rain, delighting in the sunlight, swaying in the breeze... then millimeter by millimeter = after years, or decades, or centuries of being - it comes to its fullness.
I mean a maturity that comes with being myself, creating and playing in the physical reality, trusting Spirit. I am excited about that kind of perfection!
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Some Fruit of Life: Beautiful & Brave

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The quote below is really one big paragraph: I formatted it for emphasis and readability:

We must assume our existence
as broadly as we in any way can;
everything, even the unheard-of, must be possible in it.
That is at bottom the only courage that is demanded of us:
to have courage for
the most strange,
the most singular and
the most inexplicable that we may encounter.

That mankind has in this sense been cowardly
has done life endless harm;
the experiences that are called "visions,"
the whole so-called "spirit-world,"
death,
all those things that are so closely akin to us,
have by daily parrying been so crowded out of life
that the senses with which we could have grasped them
are atrophied.
To say nothing of God.

But fear of the inexplicable
has not alone impoverished the existence of the individual;
the relationship between one human being and another
has also been cramped by it,
as though it had been lifted
out of the riverbed of endless possibilities
and set down in a fallow spot on the bank,
to which nothing happens.
For it is not inertia alone
that is responsible for human relationships
repeating themselves from case to case,
indescribably monotonous and unrenewed:
it is shyness before any sort of new, unforeseeable experience
with which one does not think oneself able to cope.

But only someone who is ready for everything,
who excludes nothing,
not even the most enigmatical,
will live the relation to another as something alive
and will himself draw exhaustively from his own existence.

For if we think of this existence of the individual
as a larger or smaller room,
it appears evident that most people learn to know
only a corner of their room,
a place by the window,
a strip of floor on which they walk up and down.
Thus they have a certain security.

And yet that dangerous insecurity is so much more human
which drives the prisoners in Poe's stories
to feel out the shapes of their horrible dungeons
and not be strangers to the unspeakable terror of their abode.

We, however, are not prisoners.
No traps or snares are set about us,
and there is nothing which should intimidate or worry us.
We are set down in life
as in the element to which we best correspond,
and over and above this we have
through thousands of years of accommodation
become so like this life,
that when we hold still we are,
through a happy mimicry,
scarcely to be distinguished from all that surrounds us.

We have no reason to mistrust our world,
for it is not against us.
Has it terrors, they are our terrors;
has it abysses, those abuses belong to us;
are dangers at hand, we must try to love them.

And if only we arrange our life
according to that principle which counsels us
that we must always hold to the difficult,
then that which now still seems to us the most alien
will become what we most trust and find most faithful.

How should we be able to forget
those ancient myths about dragons
that at the last moment turn into princesses;
perhaps all the dragons of our lives are princesses
who are only waiting to see us once beautiful and brave.
Perhaps everything terrible is in its deepest being
something helpless that wants help from us.
- Rainer Maria Rilke

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Dancing judgment - theirs, and mine

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I have Much experience with Dancing judgment - theirs, and mine.  

It still bothers me sometimes, but SO much less than the past.  

I am attracting a lot less resistance to my path the more I own it as MINE. 

I used to feel attacked a lot - embattled and un-loved because of it. 

I feel that way less and less, and folks’ behavior toward me is now  less and less attacking or judging.

I have played the role of a square peg in a round hole a lot in my life 

(Goddess-loving, Christian, Bisexual, Polyamorous, Psychic to name a few roles I play– a lot of things for myself and others to get hooked on…).  

So I have a lot of practice! 

I have found many strategies to handle this for myself.  

I cannot address them all, 

but I will name a few internal and external things I do that work for me.

And of course this is a work in progress, I am not nearly baked.  

But I am so much more comfortable now than I used to be 

- I used to suffer a lot around these issues - now only a little ; )

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Internal: This is the most important thing – always, IMO.
I use my meditation techniques ongoingly to do things like:

* let Gd heal me

* let go of my deep, sometimes semi-conscious internal resistance and judgment of myself for being who I am and doing what I am doing (internalized homophobia, etc)

* allow in attitudes and energy of neutrality, amusement, all the gifts of the spirit…

* consciously let go of competition and judgment of self and others (i.e. I let go of judging them for judging me), resistance to their and my way of being (i.e. I let go of attachment to them liking and admiring me).

* acknowledge that I have co-created my experience and consciously create with Spirit something I prefer.

* receive, receive, receive from Gd and other spiritual Masters & Guides, as well as from the Earth: the love, validation, experience of wholeness from the inside, what I am tempted to want from others on the outside!

* be what we call in my tradition 'body of glass': 

instead of blocking / protecting / resisting / attaching to energies that I do not want in my system; 

I allow Gd to clear my space so those energies pass right through me.  

The more I allow my space to clear, the less stuff sticks to me. 

What does stick or HOOK, that is where I can allow healing to shift me - so next time I am more clear.

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As I do these kinds of things internally, I am more comfortable and happy in my own space, folks are more easeful with me, and it makes it easier for others to shift to a clearer, lighter vibration in their own space, as well. 

I remember: what I resist, persists…

This changes MY internal experience. 

This changes the kinds of energies I attract, so my external experience changes as well. 

SO, what happens is I attract 

less of the kind of people who judge me, 

the people in my life judge me less, 

and when they do judge me it bothers me less. 

What does bother me, I allow Gd to heal, 

and the cycle starts over at even a higher level.

The most important part of this cycle is for me to let go of judging and trying to change the folks in my life 

and devote all that attention and energy to my relationship with Gd and my inner healing.
Again, I am still very much in process with this, but the results so far are quite stunning.

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External: really secondary, but helpful.

I allow the changes that I have found from using my meditation techniques to seep into my physical life to change my habits of thinking, feeling, acting and reacting.

This is quite a process.
Here are a few examples of some practices I use to shift my outer life:

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* I avoid giving advice.  

My best information comes from within, and I don’t change until I am ready 

– so I mean to stay out of the way and let others have their own journey as well.  

I want all to enjoy our own and honor each other’s spiritual freedom, free will. 

When folks ask me for advice, I try to stick to speaking from my own beliefs and experience, and when appropriate (like when I am reading or sometimes when teaching) saying what I see around their situation.  

My tradition believes we teach what we need to learn, 

and any advice I give is what I need to hear myself, so I take that to heart.  

When I am compelled to give advice, I notice that is a place I need healing.  

When others are compelled to give me advice, 

I notice that perhaps it is a place they need healing, and try not to take it personally ; )

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* I enjoy my curiosity about who folks are and why they believe what they believe. 

I already know what I believe and don’t necessarily need to hear myself say it over and over. 

But, if I am interested in getting to know someone else better, then I am interested in the how, when and what of their POV.

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* I personally have found the perspective and tools on NVC: non-violent (or compassionate) communication to be extremely useful and of great service to me in my physical communication and relationships.

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* If someone is my intimate, I speak in my own voice completely authentically and they love and validate me. 

Sometimes we need to work things out, conflict and misunderstandings – but the basis of who I am and what I am up to is Not under attack, for me this is what an intimate IS.  

For non-intimates, I do my best to ‘speak into their listening’.  

I remain truthful and myself, but I make an effort to communicate in ways, with words and concepts that match their world view. 

I find this helps bridge unnecessary gaps and find common ground on which we can build. 

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* The more I let go of (non-intimate) people in my life understanding me, loving me, validating me, knowing me (I get these needs met elsewhere), 

the more I can relate to folks on the level that They feel comfortable. 

I do not have to share experiences, beliefs, myself in ways that people cannot interface with me in an enjoyable way (I polka with folks who can polka and waltz with folks who can waltz – I enjoy most 3 count dances, so what do I care? ; )

Instead of trying to get my needs met from someone who cannot meet them, or can not meet them comfortably, 

I interface with them where/how they can meet me – or avoid the encounter completely.

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* Although I am very open, I do not tell every person every thing in my life.  

They don’t really want to know.  

If they ask and I believe they will be uncomfortable with the answer, 

I sometimes ask if they really want to know; 

if yes I will prolly choose to tell them. 

Or, sometimes I will divert the conversation, 

and if they care enough to bring questions up again, then I will prolly choose to tell them.  

It always remains my choice, and the consequences are mine as well. 

Many folks in my life do not really want to know about the things in my life that bring them discomfort.  

They have learned not to press too far in certain directions because they don’t really want to encounter conflict.   

I have found their discomfort with processing or their leaning toward peaceful-seeming encounters are usually greater than their desire to connect deeply with me. 

For folks who do press through and really want to know me, I honor them, even when we disagree. 

I share with them honestly for as long as they can be respectful toward me.  

When they lose their ability to relate as adult humans, I set boundaries and hope that soon we can connect authentically with joy.

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So, that is a bit of what I do with the challenge of feeling judged. 

I hope something here assists you in your Journey.

In life, wendy

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To Fully Show Up in All our Glory & Darkness

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To fully show up in the face of others, in all our glory and all our darkness, is a courageous choice to make.

I live in marriage beyond my wildest dreams. Not that it is always pink and frilly and happy-ever-after, no, it is utterly fulfilling for a whole other reason.

To fully show up in the face of others, in all our glory and all our darkness, is a courageous choice to make. The arena in which the depths of this challenge most reveals itself to us is perhaps that of our intimate relationships.

I was only sixteen the first time I made a desperate decision never to involve myself in a relationship again. I was determined to avoid the pain of a broken heart; I decided to be a nun. This lasted a month, until another prince came along and I was back on the merry-go-round of romantic highs and lows, happily oblivious to the errors of the past. Of course, I crashed again. And again.

My attempt to take the spiritual escape route was not very successful either. Although I enjoyed being alone and meditating, basking in silence, life constantly nudged me toward relating to other people. It became clear to me that I needed to find a way to merge relationship and spirituality instead of holding them as opposites.

Because most of our spiritual role models have been men who lived more or less reclusively, away from family and sexuality, it has been all too easy to conclude that we all should strive for a similar lifestyle to find spiritual freedom. Our attraction to relationship has been looked on as a weakness and a distraction.

Now that the awakening feminine is emerging in our lives again, we see a shift of paradigm. The feminine is naturally drawn to relating and to community and sees no intrinsic contradiction between spiritual realization and full involvement in life. On the contrary, it is in areas of relationship, sexuality, and family that she may find her deepest expression of the sacred.

- Awakening Women Institute

The only choice we get is what to worship

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This is the quote that led me on this journey:

...in the day-to-day trenches of adult life,
there is actually no such thing as atheism.
There is no such thing as not worshiping.
Everybody worships.
The only choice we get is what to worship.
-David Foster Wallace.

I recommend the entire speech, here:
DAVID FOSTER WALLACE's commencement address, Kenyon College, 2005.

Here are some excerpts:

The point here is that I think this is one part of what teaching me how to think is really supposed to mean. To be just a little less arrogant. To have just a little critical awareness about myself and my certainties. Because a huge percentage of the stuff that I tend to be automatically certain of is, it turns out, totally wrong and deluded. I have learned this the hard way...

and:

As I'm sure you guys know by now, it is extremely difficult to stay alert and attentive, instead of getting hypnotised by the constant monologue inside your own head (may be happening right now). Twenty years after my own graduation, I have come gradually to understand that the liberal arts cliché about teaching you how to think is actually shorthand for a much deeper, more serious idea: learning how to think really means learning how to exercise some control over how and what you think. It means being conscious and aware enough to choose what you pay attention to and to choose how you construct meaning from experience. Because if you cannot exercise this kind of choice in adult life, you will be totally hosed. Think of the old cliché about "the mind being an excellent servant but a terrible master"...

lastly:

If you're automatically sure that you know what reality is, and you are operating on your default setting, then you, like me, probably won't consider possibilities that aren't annoying and miserable. But if you really learn how to pay attention, then you will know there are other options. It will actually be within your power to experience a crowded, hot, slow, consumer-hell type situation as not only meaningful, but sacred, on fire with the same force that made the stars: love, fellowship, the mystical oneness of all things deep down.

Not that that mystical stuff is necessarily true. The only thing that's capital-T True is that you get to decide how you're gonna try to see it.

This, I submit, is the freedom of a real education, of learning how to be well-adjusted. You get to consciously decide what has meaning and what doesn't. You get to decide what to worship.

Because here's something else that's weird but true: in the day-to-day trenches of adult life, there is actually no such thing as atheism. There is no such thing as not worshipping. Everybody worships. The only choice we get is what to worship. And the compelling reason for maybe choosing some sort of god or spiritual-type thing to worship--be it JC or Allah, be it YHWH or the Wiccan Mother Goddess, or the Four Noble Truths, or some inviolable set of ethical principles--is that pretty much anything else you worship will eat you alive. If you worship money and things, if they are where you tap real meaning in life, then you will never have enough, never feel you have enough. It's the truth. Worship your body and beauty and sexual allure and you will always feel ugly. And when time and age start showing, you will die a million deaths before they finally grieve you. On one level, we all know this stuff already. It's been codified as myths, proverbs, clichés, epigrams, parables; the skeleton of every great story. The whole trick is keeping the truth up front in daily consciousness.

Worship power, you will end up feeling weak and afraid, and you will need ever more power over others to numb you to your own fear. Worship your intellect, being seen as smart, you will end up feeling stupid, a fraud, always on the verge of being found out. But the insidious thing about these forms of worship is not that they're evil or sinful, it's that they're unconscious. They are default settings.

They're the kind of worship you just gradually slip into, day after day, getting more and more selective about what you see and how you measure value without ever being fully aware that that's what you're doing.

And the so-called real world will not discourage you from operating on your default settings, because the so-called real world of men and money and power hums merrily along in a pool of fear and anger and frustration and craving and worship of self. Our own present culture has harnessed these forces in ways that have yielded extraordinary wealth and comfort and personal freedom. The freedom all to be lords of our tiny skull-sized kingdoms, alone at the centre of all creation. This kind of freedom has much to recommend it. But of course there are all different kinds of freedom, and the kind that is most precious you will not hear much talk about much in the great outside world of wanting and achieving.... The really important kind of freedom involves attention and awareness and discipline, and being able truly to care about other people and to sacrifice for them over and over in myriad petty, unsexy ways every day.

That is real freedom. That is being educated, and understanding how to think. The alternative is unconsciousness, the default setting, the rat race, the constant gnawing sense of having had, and lost, some infinite thing.

The capital-T Truth is about life BEFORE death.

It is about the real value of a real education, which has almost nothing to do with knowledge, and everything to do with simple awareness; awareness of what is so real and essential, so hidden in plain sight all around us, all the time, that we have to keep reminding ourselves over and over...

It is unimaginably hard to do this, to stay conscious and alive in the adult world day in and day out. Which means yet another grand cliché turns out to be true: your education really IS the job of a lifetime. And it commences: now.

I wish you way more than luck.

This path is spiritual, not religious

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I found this to be a wonderful essay from Dzogchen Ponlop Rinpoche. It was posted on Huffington Post, August 6, 2010.
This is written to Buddhist practitioners, but i believe it has more universal usefulness. I bolded a couple sentences which I found especially exciting...

Is Buddhism a Religion?

We often talk about Siddhartha, the young man who became known as the Buddha, as if he were a god. The fact is that he was just a simple Indian guy, a human being like you and me. We think of him as some kind of super-genius for having attained complete spiritual awakening, but in fact his real genius was in showing how any one of us can attain the same awakening as he did. We describe him as a prince and a member of the elite royalty of his time, and we think that must have given him an advantage over us — but the reality is that most of us today are probably better off, in material terms, than Siddhartha was.

We talk about his kingdom and so forth, but what the prince Siddhartha had was really no more than what you might find in any middle-class American household. He might have had more wives, but you’ve got more gadgets, more technologies and comforts and conveniences. Siddhartha didn’t have a refrigerator, and you do. He didn’t have WiFi, or a blog, or Facebook or Twitter. He might have had more houses and land, but you’ve got a more comfortable bed than he had. Maybe you even have one of those new, space-age Tempur-Pedic beds. Think of how much time you spend in bed, and how important your bed is. I guarantee that Siddhartha had a worse bed than you have.

The point is, we shouldn’t mythologize Siddhartha’s life and think that his spiritual awakening was due to his special circumstances. Most of us today actually live in conditions very similar to Siddhartha’s, in terms of our material situation.

Siddhartha was a truth seeker, nothing more. He wasn’t looking for religion, as such — he wasn’t particularly interested in religion. He was searching for the truth. He was looking for a genuine path to freedom from suffering. Aren’t all of us searching for the same thing? If we look at the life of Siddhartha, we can see that he found the truth and freedom he was seeking only after he abandoned religious practices. Isn’t that significant? The one who became the Buddha, the “Awakened One,” didn’t find enlightenment through religion — he found it when he began to leave religion behind.

The Lure of Religious Trappings

A lot of people prefer to think of Buddhism as a religion. It’s easy to see why, when Buddhism abounds with religious trappings: the rituals and the chants and the golden statues sitting on the shrine. Buddha himself never wanted to be deified in any kind of icons; at the beginning, he told his students no icons, no worshiping. But it’s said that he had a very devoted student who kept pestering him, requesting his permission to make a statue of him, until finally the Buddha gave up and allowed the first image to be made. And now we have all these elaborate golden icons that look like they were dug out of an Egyptian pyramid. It’s nice to have these reminders, but we must remember that’s what they are: reminders of something, an example to be followed, not idols to be worshiped.

If our goal is to turn Buddhism into a religion, that’s fine — in America we have freedom of speech and the Bill of Rights. We can make Buddhism into a religion, or a branch of psychology, or a self-help program, or whatever we want. But if we’re looking for enlightenment, we won’t find it through relating to the Buddha as a religious idol. Like Siddhartha, we’ll find real spiritual awakening only when we begin to leave behind our fixed ideas about religious practice. Seeing the Buddha as an example and following his example — recreating, in our own lives, his pursuit of truth, his courage and his open mind — that’s the real power of Buddhism beyond religion.

Truth Has No Religion

Siddhartha actually became the Buddha through his failure at religion. He saw that the ascetic practices he’d been engaged in were not leading him to true liberation, and so he left them behind. But he had five colleagues who continued their religious practices of asceticism, and they regarded Siddhartha as a failure. From their point of view, he just couldn’t hack it, and that’s why he gave up. Later, after he attained enlightenment and became known as the Buddha, they became his first five disciples; but at the time when he left behind their religious program, they regarded him as a failure. I find that very encouraging. As spiritual practitioners, we should be open to being a failure. We can take heart in the fact that Siddhartha found enlightenment not through his great success at religious practices, but through his failures.

As Buddhists, Siddhartha’s example is the most important one for us to follow. He was a great explorer of mind and its limits. He was open-minded, seeking truth, with no preconceived agenda. He thought, “Okay, I’ll do these religious practices and see if I can find the truth that way.” He did the practices, he didn’t find the truth, and so he left the religion. Like Siddhartha, if we really want spiritual enlightenment we have to go beyond religiosity. We have to let go of clinging to preconceived religious forms and ideas and practices.

Religion, if we don’t relate to it skillfully, can trap us in another set of rules. On top of all the ordinary rules we are already stuck with in this world, we pile on a second set of religious rules. I’m not saying there is anything bad about religion or rules, but you should be clear about what you’re seeking. Do you want religion and a set of rules to follow, or do you want truth? Truth has no religion, no culture, no language, no head or tail. As Gandhi said, “God has no religion.” The truth is just the truth.

If you are interested in “meeting the Buddha” and following his example, then you should realize that the path the Buddha taught is primarily a study of your own mind and a system for training your mind. This path is spiritual, not religious. Its goal is self-knowledge, not salvation; freedom, not heaven. And it is deeply personal. Without your curiosity and questions and your open mind, there is no spiritual path, no journey to be taken, even if you adopt all the forms of the tradition.

Experience Reality

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All that really matters is that we have our own authentic, direct, immediate and intimate experience of God. 

It’s not difficult, because God doesn’t withhold Himself. 

But you have to look for God where he can actually be found. 

Which is within.

 

Jesus says in Luke 17:21 – “Neither shall they say, Lo here! or, lo there! for, behold, the kingdom of God is within you.” 

The kingdom of God that’s within you is the truth about what you actually are. 

What it really is that you truly are, is what God is that can actually be experienced.

 

So with deliberate intention look directly within. 

Experience what is actually there. 

Taste what you actually are. 

Meet what God actually is. 

See for yourself where God truly is found.

 

You don’t need teachers’ descriptions. 

Do you need to have the flavor of watermelon described in order to be able to taste it? 

Neither do you need to have your oneness with God described in order for you to be able to experience it.

 

We’ve been conned to believe we only can taste what we’re taught. 

But that’s not true. 

The only way to experience what’s real, is to taste it all by yourself on your own. 

There’s no other way it can happen, and no other way that it will.

 

The reason you can directly experience what God truly is, is because God truly is within you. 

He couldn’t be more immediate, intimate, available or closer.

 

Never mind what you’ve been taught about God. 

Never mind what you’ve been taught about yourself. 

Watermelon descriptions are useless.

 

What you want to do is intimately meet what you actually are. 

There’s no other way to experience what God actually is.

 

- Ben Gilberti (WRW added whitespace) 

The Peace of Wild Things

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Wendell Berry:

 

When despair for the world grows in me 

and I wake in the night at the least sound 

in fear of what my life and my children’s lives may be, 

I go and lie down where the wood drake rests in his beauty on the water, and the great heron feeds. 

I come into the peace of wild things who do not tax their lives with forethought of grief. 

I come into the presence of still water. 

And I feel above me the day-blind stars waiting with their light. 

For a time I rest in the grace of the world, and am free.

Standing outside the Fire

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        If your knowledge of fire
        has been turned to certainty by words alone,
        then seek to be cooked by the fire itself.
        Don't abide in borrowed certainty.
        There is no real certainty until you burn;
        if you wish for this, sit down in the fire.
        ~ Mevlana Celaleddin Rumi

I believe poetry is wonderful because there is no exact meaning, it means many things, and different things to different folks. Below are 3 thoughts, of many, I have regarding the quote. I would love to hear your ideas!

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1) Experience and practice, being in present time with our body and in this world, ARE reality - I hear Rumi say: jump in with no holds barred!

Theory and hearsay are shadows of reality.
I would rather directly experience what is real and true and love and God... for Myself... not second-hand (That is like watching it on TV, it is not LIFE!) AND at the same time, oh how reality Burns!

But then, no one can say this theory or that theory to me, I KNOW my experience - that is my own certainty, not someone else's belief or theory... (Christian writer Paul says: "in order that we may be no longer babes, tossed and carried about by every wind of that teaching but... holding the truth in love, we may grow up to him in all things")

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2) God (Light/Love/Life/Fire) burns up everything that is not God (Light/Love/Life/Fire). My favorite preacher, Dr Bruce Morgan, used to say this all the time, for me it is axiomatic.

From my perspective, everything comes from God and everything returns to God. I can flow with the process or resist it.  From my level of resistance I can suffer little or much.  But in the end, everything ends: everything goes into the fire...

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3) One of the Christian spellings for Rumi's quote, I believe, is Jesus saying: "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me".

I would translate this something like: I must let go of letting the 'lower/ego self' run the show... let go of the physically-focused self; and be who I really am as spirit, a part of God, and walk my unique spiritual path. This fulfills me and naturally serves the world; AND this Way goes through the fire, there is no way around it!

When we stop chasing around outside of us (fixing, changing, squirreling, consuming, desiring, worrying, scheming, helping, controlling... ad infinitum) and focus inside of us (which feels like sitting in the fire, no? at least at first!!!) then, well, that is IT.  The way can be painful, but the fruit is sweet.

The fire could be THE BELOVED (GOD), it could be LOVE, it could be LIFE, it could be BEINGNESS.  Here is one possible reading of Rumi's words, that could sum all these things:

If your knowledge of GOD
has been turned to certainty by words alone,
then seek to be cooked by GOD directly.
Don't abide in borrowed certainty.
There is no real certainty until you are consumed/transformed through/by GOD;
if you wish for this, sit down in GOD.

Of course I find myself singing Garth now  ; )

Life is not tried, it is merely survived
If you're standing outside the fire

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everything you do is sacred

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NOW IS THE TIME, Hafiz:

 

Now is the time to know 

That all that you do is sacred. 

Now, why not consider 

A lasting truce with yourself and God. 

Now is the time to understand 

That all your ideas of right and wrong 

Were just a child's training wheels 

To be laid aside 

When you finally live 

With veracity 

And love. 

Hafiz is a divine envoy 

Whom the Beloved 

Has written a holy message upon. 

My dear, please tell me, 

Why do you still 

Throw sticks at your heart 

And God? 

What is it in that sweet voice inside 

That incites you to fear? 

Now is the time for the world to know 

That every thought and action is sacred. 

This is the time for you to compute the impossibility 

That there is anything But Grace. 

Now is the season to know 

That everything you do Is sacred.

just cut off dualism

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If you want to avoid experiencing reversal, just cut off dualism; 

then measurements cannot govern you. 

You are neither Buddha nor sentient being; 

you are not near or far, not high or low, not equal or even, not going or coming. 

- Pai-chang

This is one that really hits me where I live, 

where it seems I experience the most pain (clearly from attachment). 

I suffer over what I have lost, over what I will lose 

- relationships & people in bodies that I love, fitness & wellness, the joy of being in this body 

- everything that is not spirit: emotions, thoughts, things... 

The more I have the more I fear to lose... 

 I suffer. 

But, it turns out the solution is so very easy: 

just let go of dualism... 

I think I will fit that in this afternoon between eating bon-bons and washing my hair ; ) 

Really this quote validates and encourages me, 

but what a journey this is - aye! 

 the f*&^%n human condition! 

 such a challenging blessing 

 

Consciously working with Gd and allowing spiritual change helps so much with this, 

AND my body grieves. 

 We are all in the same boat. 

Gd bless us all, everyone!

IDENTIFYING Myself with Progress doesn't serve me

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I received the quote I just put in post before this one, from a friend a few months ago, and wrote him the following.

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O, O, thank you
I need these reminders!

One of my Big temptations is 'I will be better in the future'

I have very much struggled with this issue, and continue to – to a lesser degree.

I wrote my friends when I was Really up-against / struggling / had come to a ‘crisis point’ with these issues - about 14 months ago. It is below if you are interested.

It was very validating for me to read what I had written about it again today. In a RELATIVELY short time, I am much more comfortable with these issues. I feel like a different person than the one who wrote about the challenges below.

All the stuff is Still There.
But, as I so fervently hoped and prayed: the issues have settled down to a 'dull roar'.

My perception of my life now, is more bright, comfortable, validating, empowered, self-referential, allowing love and acceptance...
WOW, what a blessing.

Again, thank you for sharing the quote!

**************

July 15, 2008 - Notes from the Bleeding Edge

AA says 'progress not perfection'
A lot of wisdom there, and it is helpful - very.

AND, what I am Finally starting to be able to see/hear is that IDENTIFYING Myself with Progress doesn't serve me, at the deepest levels.
Deeply, in Gd, it is about BEING Only.

I have spent my whole life striving to be Better, in a million ways BETTER (because clearly I suck!)
I strive to be better so I can have and be and do; but especially to justify my existence, and hope to get/keep love.

The phrase that goes so well with this striving way of being is Amy Grant's song:

Don't give up on me, I'm gonna make it
I know it's hard for you to see
Don't give up on me, I couldn't take it
If part of me should keep you from seeing
The part of me that should start you believing
I'm changing, so please don't give up on me

What she is pointing at is somewhat different than what I am, but the trajectory is the same.
The basic assumption that I am not good enough... But just hold on! I'll be better tomorrow! (repeat! Forever!)
Not useful for the deep stuff, I am finding - ego all of it, even the seemingly most 'spiritual' aspirations.

The fog cleared on Saturday for about an hour, and Gd had me see clearly that a big place I have been stuck, in resistance, is in judgment of myself.
I saw 2 me's, stuck! Wrestling, in a stand-off.

ASIDE:
Sometimes my powerful, bullish nature stands me in great stead when I am pointed in a beneficial direction and moving - go inertia!
But when I am fighting myself, wow I can sure get powerful stuck!
When I feel powerless and lack energy, I bet in part, it is because of all these isometrics...
END ASIDE

I saw one me:
1) wagging my finger and
2) holding at arms length and
3) hitting with a mace
The OTHER ME.
Not the easiest or funnest way to live or move forward… gracefully : )

This is where I have learned once before (fortunately), it is time to stop TRYING so hard to change, to grow, to let go, to be good.
It is time to let go of my Agenda and all that freakin' Effort.
Let go and let Gd, AA says - and it is very relevant here!

This is where I can easily stumble: Utilizing my very powerful meditation techniques for so long I have become so habituated to spiritually 'letting go' so usefully, to let go of what I don't want.
But at my Core Issues, the key isn't eschewing what I don't want - that, in the end, can be based on more judgment and resistance.

I think I need to say that again:
When dealing with my Core Issues, the key is not eschewing what I don't want - that, in the end, can be based on judgment and resistance.
The key is without effort to ALLOW, to ACCEPT, to EMBRACE, to LOVE, to VALIDATE myself – of course what this means is allowing myself to receive these things from Gd!!

The only way out is through, because really, truly, I have found that WHAT I RESIST, PERSISTS.
And truly the only thing that makes change possible (if I let go my death-grip on it ; ) is Acceptance.

ASIDE:
What the f*^%l? How weird is this system!
You cannot make this stuff up: the only thing that makes change possible is acceptance! Crazy talk!
It is great in theory – I know this in theory - but in reality, when my life is on the line, this is Crazy Talk!
It is always so funny, this spiritual life, over and over I feel like Alice in Wonderland ; )
END ASIDE


What is behind all this gnashing of teeth, I believe boils down to the trenchant lie: "clearly I suck!"
Hopefully someday soon this lie, and all the striving it engenders, will settle down to a dull roar, and I'll let it stop running my life!

Fortunately, I have paths to do this, and techniques that do this. Gd is good.
This self-judgment is slowly clearing, I guess… I hope.

So often along my path, and now, Dr Bruce Morgan's wisdom helps me.
I am trusting in the process without knowing where the goal is!
Dr Bruce used to say that was the feminine spiritual creative principal (or something like that!)

I have been receiving sustenance and signposts from ruminating on basic Buddhism (4 noble truths, etc)

Also, there are 3 Christian scriptures that have been rattling around in my system, which have been a life-line for me and feed me - I will append them.

Thank you for your listening and your love

Hallelujah!

*****

I am sending these three verses in the words I have them stored in my system, with some Commentary, and then in a 'normal version' (New American Standard), and lastly in The Message version – which I am getting very enrolled in, it is often very sweet - as well as, of course, accessible:

Acts 17:27-28
How I store it:

In Him we live and move and have our being

My Commentary:

Gd is with me, I am with Gd, I am in Gd, Gd is in me, Gd and I are one, I am a part of Gd, I am Gd.

NAS:

that they would seek God, if perhaps they might grope for Him and find Him, though He is not far from each one of us; for in Him we live and move and exist, as even some of your own poets have said, 'For we also are His children.'

The Message:

He doesn't play hide-and-seek with us. He's not remote; he's near. We live and move in him, can't get away from him! One of your poets said it well: 'We're the God-created.'

Romans 8:38 - 39
How I store it:

Nothing can separate us from the love of Gd

My Commentary:

I don't have to be or do a certain thing to be loved, I can let go of fear and control; there is nowhere to go, there is nothing to prove, it is possible to just Be and be ok, loved, accepted, whole, fulfilled…

NAS:

For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing, will be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

The Message:

I'm absolutely convinced that nothing - nothing living or dead, angelic or demonic, today or tomorrow, high or low, thinkable or unthinkable - absolutely nothing can get between us and God's love because of the way that Jesus our Master has embraced us.

Romans 8:28
How I store it:

All things work together for good, for those who love Gd and are called according to His purpose.

My Commentary:

It is possible to trust Gd, to trust life, to trust my place in this world, to trust myself, to trust my path; I can stop trying so *%^^! hard every blessed minute, I can let go and let Gd.

NAS:

And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.

The Message:

That's why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good.

Amen.