In relationships, there will be tears... this is par for the course

I like to say,
once in a relationship, there will almost definitely be tears:
at least one person, leaves or dies, and at least one person cries.

I don't mean to be whiny, here,
actually the opposite:
I mean to put the whining to rest.

All things in life ebb and flow,
this is the natural course of things and
there is No fighting it, in the long run.

When we play the game of Love,
we are in-for a Wild Ride!

I like to say with children,
loving them is like having pieces of our heart dancing out there in the world, without us.
Anything can happen to them, and we live the consequences!

I say this about kids, because it is SO damn obvious,
but really, this is how it is with all our relations...

.
This is just the game;
pain and loss are part of the game...
if we don't like it we shouldn't play.

.
This is how I deal with all my relations:
I know when I engage in a relationship, my heart will break open;
the more I invest, the more it will break open... in ways I enjoy and in ways that I don't.

I always like to look at the worst-case scenario,
it helps me choose, it helps me plan, it helps me consider the risk-reward...
maybe you are different, and you don't like this way of looking at relationships, that's cool.

But, this frame helps me.
It has me remember that my precious little heart, 

my precious little heart-breaks, 

my precious little feels-like-all-the-walls-of-my-life-are-all-falling-down...

this is not Sooo Special, 

but, my particular loss and pain is not Sooo Special.

It is just the game that we are All in... 

how we play it matters a lot, 

but it is still the only game in town.

.
Some like to use the lever:
"I have been hurt before, 

so you have to accommodate me; 

my pain gets to run the show."

This is BS, IMO.
Everyone has been hurt before, 

no one's pain gets to run the show.

Within ourselves, and in our relationships, 

optimally, we live in freedom and joy:
our pain doesn't get to run the show.

Of course, a lot of times our pain does run the show,
THAT is what healing is For ; )

That's my opinion, YMMV,
Wendy

Weebles wobble, but they don't stay down

I spent a lot of my adult life in depression,
or with big gnarly melancholy dominating my life on a regular basis.
Since I started my current soul work, that is all a memory.

I still go through Intense stuff, no worries!
But the challenges are from my real life, now, and handle-able.

More often and more uncomfortable 

is the stuff I am 'clearing' that feels rotten in my space.

But I Know and, by the use of my inner-tools, I ensure
that yuckiness is merely on its way up and out of my system.

The garbage truck is full of sound and fury,
sometimes it smells awful, and it is a really bad place to have a picnic! 
But unless I block/resist it, 

soon it is GONE, carrying all my rotten stuff along with it ; )

Again, this wasn't always the case!
For most of my life, all the crap was just Happening To Me! 

- ahhh - 

and I couldn't make it stop.

But for over a decade, I stand in a different place than I used to stand 

- this has made everything different:

I Know:
- the overwhelming emotions,
- the grinding thought patterns,
- the habits like Victim and Shy, and
- the set-points on 'low power' and 'give everything I can to others and not myself'…
no longer Dominate me, if I don't choose for them to do so.

I have experienced over and over:
I am a weeble: I wobble but I don't stay down ; )
I bounce right back up, in a minute, an hour, a day...

If it takes me longer to get up, I usually need a hand!
I Ask one of my healer friends to assist me to shift, or to hold my hand while I face my demons...
When I am Ready to Get Up, all I have to do is Ask and Receive!

This shift to Choosing My Inner Experience didn't happen because I am smart, or strong, or tenacious. 
I am blessed with those qualities, but that didn't help me for decades.

What helped me is learning and using Inner Tools, that give me leverage in my inner choices
AND learning and applying a few Distinctions (ways of seeing myself and the world) that serve me much better than my old belief-patterns.

I KNOW this soul process works when you work it.
I have seen it for myself and in so many others.

Blessings on your unique journey, Wendy

I happened to write about some of my beliefs and experience, yesterday.  I was encouraging a friend who was facing his own inner demons.  If you would like, read more here.

.

Your Way through Darkness

You are spirit, you are precious to God and many others.
You are unstoppably on your path.
You are whole and complete, full of Light and Possibility.
Your conscious, palpable experience of this reality is growing.

You know these habits of thought and storehouses of feelings that plague you, 

are not you.

They are vestigial detritus,
the shadow that stands in the way of Light;
in the way of owning yourself, your body, your life, your world, and your amazing contribution in this reality.

You are so brave and tenacious in your healing, spiritual deepening, soul evolution;
especially as you engage in your cleansing process:

Allowing dark, ugly, heavy, viscous, vile energies/ pictures/ experiences/ identifications, habits...
- to rise from their shallow graves, as well as from from your core,
- to say hello to them, keeping your wisdom,
- to de-energize them - taking your power and efficacy back from them, and then
- to let them go: clearing them from your space forever: putting them to rest.

These dark energies and fixed way of being
have been the foundation you have been living your life upon.
But, as you move forward, your foundation is shifting.

Like Joshua, allow yourself to 

BE strong and courageous.

You are stopping being and identifying as a slave to anything and everything, inside or outside yourself.
You are stopping being and identifying as a wanderer: un-moored, impotent, disenfranchised, alien.
You are coming HOME, although you will need to Stand for it, OWN it.

You are continuing being and identifying as The Authority in your inner space: 
every step you take, owning back the land that is already yours.

You are learning and building muscle as you make war upon anything and everything that stands in your way.
Your ownership, your way, your truth, your light, your life, your reign, your dominion: 

inexorably, by any means necessary.

You are winning back your spiritual freedom, your free will, your greatest gift in this reality. 

Don Juan said:
The basic difference between an ordinary man and a warrior
is that a warrior takes everything as a challenge
while an ordinary man takes everything as a blessing or a curse.
― Carlos Castaneda

In your inner land:
Is IT happening to you, or are YOU happening to it?
This is the fundamental choice of your life, every moment.

This context is some of what supports me to keep moving
when I experience ambush 

by heavy, stuck, darkness.

Viktor Frankl pointed to this amazing truth for us humans:
we can bear any challenge, if we have meaning.

What is a big enough Truth
to hold you on your Way through darkness
until you break through to experience the reality of your Light and Life Abundant?

.

Being with Issues & Emotions stored in our Bodies

Photo: Anguish by Porschelinn on Flickr

Below is most of the article by Bernie Clark: Issues in our Tissues: Looking at the Emotions We Store in Our Bodies

Just as it is inappropriate and unhealthy to push past our physical edges, it is also unskillful and unhelpful to push past our emotional edges.

The first thing to recognize when strong emotions arise in our yoga practice is: “I am not alone!” Many people experience discomforting emotions and even elating emotions while doing their practice. Just being aware that others have gone through the same experience—and survived very nicely, thank you very much—helps to take the edge off the anxiety of the moment...

We all have issues in our tissues, which is to say, we store emotions in our bodies. Where else could they possible be?

Emotions are not stored out there in some cloud server on the Internet: they are not on a Google computer in hyperspace. They are within you, close at hand and ready at a moment’s notice to manifest.

The dance of yoga is one of playing our edges: we approach the point of being too deep, never actually arriving at this point, and then we back off to see if we can approach that edge again, safely. This is the art: never actually going too deep, but moving constantly towards that edge where the sensations are juicy, where there is definitely something happening, but it is not too much sensation and we are never in danger of ripping the body open.

When we think about our edges we often think in physical terms, and you may well have had such an image in your mind when you read the above words, but we have edges emotionally, mentally and spiritually as well. Just as it is inappropriate and unhealthy to push past our physical edges it is also unskillful and unhelpful to push past our emotional edges. Just as we may have scar tissue in our body that prevents our full range of movement, we often have emotional scar tissue as well that can restrict our interpersonal and lifestyle ranges of movement. These stuck, contracted areas can be painful when worked into and we can only go so far in our yoga practice to really open up...

Once again the answer is to play your edge, but with enhanced awareness.

Our basic emotions exist within us to provide protection, healing and growth—they are not inherently bad: they are in fact very necessary for a whole life well lived. But sometimes emotions are evoked unskillfully and it is in these cases that we need to evaluate the raw experience of the emotion unemotionally, with dispassion.

Let’s take a real life example: let’s say that recently you have begun to experience a strong feeling of fear, desperately wanting to get out of the posture, wanting to scream like crazy, “A pressure on my chest!” as one student recently noted when she went into Straddle (Dragonfly) pose during a Yin Yoga class. She had been practicing Yin Yoga for over a year so this sudden arising of fear was surprising, perplexing and worrying. What does it mean and what should she do?

First, realize that you are not the only one. Emotions will arise at some point in your yoga journey. That is quite natural when you consider that yoga works the full body, not just the physical tissues. Next, consider the depth of the emotions and whether these feelings are limited only to your yoga practice or also arise at other times in life, because if they do, you may want to seek some professional assistance in determining what it means and how to work through the challenge. Finally, know that this is a wonderful opportunity to deepen your yoga practice, to go beyond the mere postures and into the depths of your own being.

Photo: raganmd on Flickr

David Williams, one of the first two Americans to practice Ashtanga Yoga, once observed that the real yoga is what you can’t see. He means that the real process of yoga unfolds beneath the obvious shapes that we contort our bodies into, it involves the breath and the way we pay attention to what is happening within. This is the invitation your strong emotional response is offering you. Rather than blindly or automatically react to the emotion, cultivate an attitude of acceptance and curiosity. Ask yourself what is really going on: “What is this?”...

Poses in yoga work the body physically and energetically, stimulating the meridian lines that correspond to the major organs of the body and sometimes eliciting strong emotional responses. In the example of the woman who experienced fear while she was in Straddle Pose, she may have created a deep stress along the inner thighs, the adductor muscle group, through which the liver and kidney meridians run. This stress may be sufficient to trigger an emotional response if there is some blockage psychically or emotionally in the pertaining organs of the liver and kidneys.

Regardless of the cause of the emotional response, the prescription is the same: awareness with dispassion. Watch what is occurring without trying to change it, without running away from it, without giving into it in despair or resignation. Of course, as we have already discussed, if you really feel you are past your edge and are too deeply into an emotional state, then back off! But if the emotions are just challenging, not dangerous, stay and observe the raw experience that is occurring. This is when something interesting is about to happen. Don’t miss it!

Ask yourself constantly, “What is this?”

Note the emotions and the associated physical sensations in detail to yourself: what are you feeling, what is your breath like, your heart rate, is there increased tension in your jaw, shoulders, neck? For example, if you are feeling fear, notice what fear feels like: “my breath is shorter and choppy; my shoulders are tense; my thoughts are foggy and I can’t focus.”

Don’t judge these sensations as good or bad and don’t try to change them; just observe them as they are...

To sum up, when a strong emotion arises in the middle of a yoga practice pay attention to it. If it is too strong, back off and perhaps even stop the practice for that day. If this continues to happen to the degree that you can no longer practice skillfully, then seek help from a qualified yoga teacher or counseling. However, if the emotions are challenging but not dangerous, use this opportunity to take your yoga practice to a new level: play the edge of the emotion without going over the edge. Start to observe what is actually occurring, without adding anything to the experience and without taking anything away from it.

One last thought, and for this I will quote Rod Stryker: “If you have never laughed or cried in a yoga class, what are you waiting for?”

  Bernie Clark

When we heal ourselves, we heal the world

"I'm sorry. Please forgive me. I love you. Thank you."

you can some about this here

I don't practice Dr. Len's method, but I am informed by it in my own healing practice.

I shared about Dr. Len's modern application of hoʻoponopono 

with a couple of my students the other day in an advanced healing class. 

They came back reporting a shift for themselves 

by referencing/utilizing some of Dr Len's distinctions within their own spiritual healing practice.

I had shared about this tangentially, and i was excited to see this fruit.

I think each of these:
"I'm sorry. Please forgive me. I love you. Thank you."
can be useful doorways for healing

More usefully, from my perspective, is the KNOWing, BEing and DOing that:
what we heal inside ourselves
really does heal the world outside ourselves.

BEING the change we want to see in the world
IS the WAY

I believe Dr. Len's story is a modern example of many powerful healers through the ages 

and the shift that HAPPENS, when we shift.

I like to share it for inspiration.
Blessings, w

Meeting the Red Dragon

I have had a lot of challenge in and with my body,
and my life on this planet.

To get on this bucking bronco of life IN my body,
and learn to ride, again;
I have been practicing Energy Healing, Reading and Teaching.

This path has served me and blessed me immeasurably.
Meanwhile, 'owning' my body and my body energy, again,
has been a very long and challenging process.

Lately, I have turned a very large corner in my relationship with my body.
I think of the song: Secret of Life: Isn't it a Lovely Ride?

It IS a LOVELY Ride.
It CAN BE a Lovely Ride, as much as I let it...
as much as I LET it...

9 years ago, I came to Seattle 'sick unto death'.
I was So broken and so stopped in my life and in my body:
I knew if I didn't change my trajectory,
I would die a protracted and painful death.

I was not slidin down, glidin down:
I was free falling... without a parachute
... and Not enjoying it.

In the last 9 years, my life and my body have changed Tremendously.
I recently started Yoga, again.
And the day before, I started Network Chiropractic.
They are each amazing, magical.

Here is one recent day of being with my body and allowing healing:

Yoga Day 5: Sunday morning - woo hoo.
It felt good to do it: I had skipped Friday morning,
I have been fighting a 'cold' and changing too quickly!

Today I had so much fear,
seen as cockroaches,
coming out of my body as I did Yoga!

I noticed this particular time, that the breathing Really brought everything to a head.
I could get through with the postures - such as they are when I do them - ha!
But in adding breath, so much came to the surface! 

The fear crescendoed about 2/3 of the way through the 70 minute class.
If felt like I would break somehow,
and I was fortunate that the Red Dragon appeared to assist me.

He is an Ascended Master who is just new to me, today.
He is not very verbal - but very Powerful.
He doesn't have "nice pictures" (happy to fry someone's ass, as needed ; )

I matched the Dragon.
He helped me to run anger.
To run kundalini.
To run red vitality, life force energy.

To throw the fear in the fire.
To own back my space.
To let go of victim pictures,
and most importantly, shift victim habits.

I moved to the hot tub where I stayed too long!
I moved off more 'not me' and gained back more of 'me'.
I owned a new way of being and made a mock-up to attract a dozen subscription clients, by the end of the year; and keep a dozen subscription clients, moving forward.

I came home to a new subscription client in my e-mail,
after showering and going to the farmer's market.
The new client is excited and scheduled:
seems like a really Good fit: YES it can be This easy...

I had the 'runs' this morning before yoga and my energy waned quickly this afternoon.
I am fighting whopping flu-like symptoms tonight
Very painful body, very low energy, sore throat, FREEZING!

I feel the energy of fear and invalidation in my muscles. 
I am running light yellows, the red is too much for now.
I am detoxing like crazy: feels like metal coming out.

I SO want to blow through all this in one fell swoop!
....everything that is in the way of my full spiritual, emotional, mental, financial, vocational and physical wellness / wholeness!

But, I KNOW from long learning the hard and painful way,
with so much unnecessary suffering:
Easy Does It: gentle and balanced is the only way forward, for me, on this road.

Like I've had on my wall for the last dozen years:
Pursue Growth with Reckless Moderation.
Challenging but useful!

May all beings enjoy nurturing support,
resting in the cupped hands of the Creator.

in Life, Wendy

Allowing wholeness: letting go of eschewing pain

.
In my spiritual tradition, we practice letting go of energies that no longer serve us, and this 'housecleaning' in my energy system serves me, A LOT.

AND what I have noticed is: for the 'core issues', the deep wounding:
- eschewing the pain, pictures, experiences, energy...
- wanting to turn away and not grok this dark gift, rather just let it go:
this path Does Not Work.
I notice it doesn't make the pain move out easily in my system, or my healees or students systems either. In general, I notice for our deepest wounds, something else is often needed.

What seems to work, is being present to the brokenness, betrayal... whatever it is
- being present to what happened
- being present to what I thought and felt and made it all mean
- being present to how 'what happened' affected me then and affected me throughout my life to now;
- seeing the players and the game spiritually
- and holding it all, 'being with' myself then and now, and eventually validating and loving it all.

I don't mean spending a lifetime there, or even necessarily reliving it. I do mean not continuing the lifetime habit of running away from the pain/fear/whatever, hoping to bury it so deeply that it can't hurt me anymore. Because I can never run fast enough, and the price I pay for trying is very high!

So, in my tradition we notice the energy comes 'up and out to clear', if we let it. This process can be intense for a while, and happily that intensity ends and the fruit is amazing afterward:
- we need less distraction, obsessions, addictions...
- we can stop running from that old pain/fear/whatever...
- we can Just Be in our self and in our lives, more.
And as our internal expereince changes, our external expereince usually shifts as well.

This excerpt below inspired me to share, it is a wonderful description, IMO, of someone else's process of what I am referring to as allowing wholeness: letting go of eschewing pain. I hope you are blessed.
-wendy
.

As Energy Comes Home

Compacted, frozen pain energy is like a baby. As a mother does not address her fussing baby with nondual language, neither do we in the meeting with ourselves. You may know and understand a lot and be conscious, but these energies are not conscious.

You come into direct relationship with them. Direct but gentle, not piercing, not intrusive, not willpowering anything. Asking contracted energy what it needs is a lovely way of acknowledging its presence and becoming intimate with it. Everything that is not at rest wants to be acknowledged, to be received and bathed in gentleness and benevolence.

It calls for a major slowing down, to receive the old, repressed cries of pain that show up now as contractions, as bodily sensations.

The mind is conditioned to want results - the result in this case being the disappearance of the disturbance. It is very, very sweet to bypass this, allowing the body to have what it has for as long as it does. You may walk around for hours with disturbance but you can be nurturing and aware of your precious cargo. Mercy and opening.

As you become more relaxed with meeting energy in yourself, you find a natural extension of this happening with others. Pain energy in another is no different in any way from energy in your own system. It is all the same separated, totally impersonal energy seeking resolution, looking for Home. So you find yourself, if the situation is fitting, in direct, welcoming relationship with these balls of energy in another, bypassing the personality and issue and mechanisms of mind. A catalyst for the dissolution of pain in others, a totally organic movement of Love.

The Kuan Yin of your heart is awakening. You come to see that You are Home and all is invited and welcomed Here.

- Mags Deane

IDENTIFYING Myself with Progress doesn't serve me

.
I received the quote I just put in post before this one, from a friend a few months ago, and wrote him the following.

.
O, O, thank you
I need these reminders!

One of my Big temptations is 'I will be better in the future'

I have very much struggled with this issue, and continue to – to a lesser degree.

I wrote my friends when I was Really up-against / struggling / had come to a ‘crisis point’ with these issues - about 14 months ago. It is below if you are interested.

It was very validating for me to read what I had written about it again today. In a RELATIVELY short time, I am much more comfortable with these issues. I feel like a different person than the one who wrote about the challenges below.

All the stuff is Still There.
But, as I so fervently hoped and prayed: the issues have settled down to a 'dull roar'.

My perception of my life now, is more bright, comfortable, validating, empowered, self-referential, allowing love and acceptance...
WOW, what a blessing.

Again, thank you for sharing the quote!

**************

July 15, 2008 - Notes from the Bleeding Edge

AA says 'progress not perfection'
A lot of wisdom there, and it is helpful - very.

AND, what I am Finally starting to be able to see/hear is that IDENTIFYING Myself with Progress doesn't serve me, at the deepest levels.
Deeply, in Gd, it is about BEING Only.

I have spent my whole life striving to be Better, in a million ways BETTER (because clearly I suck!)
I strive to be better so I can have and be and do; but especially to justify my existence, and hope to get/keep love.

The phrase that goes so well with this striving way of being is Amy Grant's song:

Don't give up on me, I'm gonna make it
I know it's hard for you to see
Don't give up on me, I couldn't take it
If part of me should keep you from seeing
The part of me that should start you believing
I'm changing, so please don't give up on me

What she is pointing at is somewhat different than what I am, but the trajectory is the same.
The basic assumption that I am not good enough... But just hold on! I'll be better tomorrow! (repeat! Forever!)
Not useful for the deep stuff, I am finding - ego all of it, even the seemingly most 'spiritual' aspirations.

The fog cleared on Saturday for about an hour, and Gd had me see clearly that a big place I have been stuck, in resistance, is in judgment of myself.
I saw 2 me's, stuck! Wrestling, in a stand-off.

ASIDE:
Sometimes my powerful, bullish nature stands me in great stead when I am pointed in a beneficial direction and moving - go inertia!
But when I am fighting myself, wow I can sure get powerful stuck!
When I feel powerless and lack energy, I bet in part, it is because of all these isometrics...
END ASIDE

I saw one me:
1) wagging my finger and
2) holding at arms length and
3) hitting with a mace
The OTHER ME.
Not the easiest or funnest way to live or move forward… gracefully : )

This is where I have learned once before (fortunately), it is time to stop TRYING so hard to change, to grow, to let go, to be good.
It is time to let go of my Agenda and all that freakin' Effort.
Let go and let Gd, AA says - and it is very relevant here!

This is where I can easily stumble: Utilizing my very powerful meditation techniques for so long I have become so habituated to spiritually 'letting go' so usefully, to let go of what I don't want.
But at my Core Issues, the key isn't eschewing what I don't want - that, in the end, can be based on more judgment and resistance.

I think I need to say that again:
When dealing with my Core Issues, the key is not eschewing what I don't want - that, in the end, can be based on judgment and resistance.
The key is without effort to ALLOW, to ACCEPT, to EMBRACE, to LOVE, to VALIDATE myself – of course what this means is allowing myself to receive these things from Gd!!

The only way out is through, because really, truly, I have found that WHAT I RESIST, PERSISTS.
And truly the only thing that makes change possible (if I let go my death-grip on it ; ) is Acceptance.

ASIDE:
What the f*^%l? How weird is this system!
You cannot make this stuff up: the only thing that makes change possible is acceptance! Crazy talk!
It is great in theory – I know this in theory - but in reality, when my life is on the line, this is Crazy Talk!
It is always so funny, this spiritual life, over and over I feel like Alice in Wonderland ; )
END ASIDE


What is behind all this gnashing of teeth, I believe boils down to the trenchant lie: "clearly I suck!"
Hopefully someday soon this lie, and all the striving it engenders, will settle down to a dull roar, and I'll let it stop running my life!

Fortunately, I have paths to do this, and techniques that do this. Gd is good.
This self-judgment is slowly clearing, I guess… I hope.

So often along my path, and now, Dr Bruce Morgan's wisdom helps me.
I am trusting in the process without knowing where the goal is!
Dr Bruce used to say that was the feminine spiritual creative principal (or something like that!)

I have been receiving sustenance and signposts from ruminating on basic Buddhism (4 noble truths, etc)

Also, there are 3 Christian scriptures that have been rattling around in my system, which have been a life-line for me and feed me - I will append them.

Thank you for your listening and your love

Hallelujah!

*****

I am sending these three verses in the words I have them stored in my system, with some Commentary, and then in a 'normal version' (New American Standard), and lastly in The Message version – which I am getting very enrolled in, it is often very sweet - as well as, of course, accessible:

Acts 17:27-28
How I store it:

In Him we live and move and have our being

My Commentary:

Gd is with me, I am with Gd, I am in Gd, Gd is in me, Gd and I are one, I am a part of Gd, I am Gd.

NAS:

that they would seek God, if perhaps they might grope for Him and find Him, though He is not far from each one of us; for in Him we live and move and exist, as even some of your own poets have said, 'For we also are His children.'

The Message:

He doesn't play hide-and-seek with us. He's not remote; he's near. We live and move in him, can't get away from him! One of your poets said it well: 'We're the God-created.'

Romans 8:38 - 39
How I store it:

Nothing can separate us from the love of Gd

My Commentary:

I don't have to be or do a certain thing to be loved, I can let go of fear and control; there is nowhere to go, there is nothing to prove, it is possible to just Be and be ok, loved, accepted, whole, fulfilled…

NAS:

For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing, will be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

The Message:

I'm absolutely convinced that nothing - nothing living or dead, angelic or demonic, today or tomorrow, high or low, thinkable or unthinkable - absolutely nothing can get between us and God's love because of the way that Jesus our Master has embraced us.

Romans 8:28
How I store it:

All things work together for good, for those who love Gd and are called according to His purpose.

My Commentary:

It is possible to trust Gd, to trust life, to trust my place in this world, to trust myself, to trust my path; I can stop trying so *%^^! hard every blessed minute, I can let go and let Gd.

NAS:

And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.

The Message:

That's why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good.

Amen.

My Ordination Speech

.
Hi Friends,

Yesterday I enjoyed another ordination day at CDM. I couldn't believe it has been 6 months since I was up there on stage. Last Spring, I was chosen to speak for my class on Ordination day (after 2 year Clairvoyant training program) and I did it kicking and screaming - but in the end it was a healing and a blessing. I had wanted to share my speech, as a way to give a glimpse of why I am out here in Seattle and how I am investing my life these days. But, my life has been pretty intense since May, mostly for personal/relational reasons, so I didn't get a round tuit.

But, I feel inspired to share it now. The speech is below, if you are interested. I use a lot of lingo, because most everyone I was speaking to uses it - but most of what I say is generally understandable, I think. It was more animated, fun and interesting in person and in context of the whole ceremony - but, hey it is what it is ; )

Since I finished Seminary, I had several weeks off from official training at CDM, then I started the Teaching program in mid-August - where I am continuing my growth and healing, learning to present spiritual information and energetic techniques with neutrality, compassion and amusement, and assistant teaching our basic mediation and healing classes. I expect to be certified to teach our 4 basic classes this June or next January - depending on my work schedule and such - it is usually a 14 month program ; )

Enjoyable blessings in the New Year!
In life, Wendy


Wendy's Ordination Speech for June 26, 2005


Spiritual Freedom

I have been asked to say a few words about being a CDM minister.

Now, defining what it is to be a CDM minister doesn't seem to be a simple thing, so let me start with what it is not. A teacher (Dr Bruce Morgan) who influenced me a lot before coming to CDM, used to say that "Most churches want to make us into cookie-cutter-Christians, who all look alike, talk alike, act alike, and if they have to cut off your arms and legs to fit in the mold - so be it"

Well, thank Gd, here at CDM we are committed to spiritual freedom - I've kind of become attached to my arms and legs, thank you very much. We don't always do it perfectly, but spiritual freedom is our stated goal and direction as a community and individually. This is a huge and wonderful, and usually challenging goal. But the rewards are sweet.

But this made it a challenge for me when asked to say a few words about what it is to be a CDM minister. We are all so different, unique - and that IS the point. So what is it to be a CDM minister?

This was annoying for my analyzer, I will tell you. But, eventually I had to look at the question as spirit - foreign concept, I know. And this is what I noticed about CDM ministers.

We are Spirit

We have a profound experience of ourselves as spirit and others as spirit over an extended period of time. An experience of being responsible for owning and managing our own energy systems, an experience of our connection with the Gd of our heart, an experience of consciously co-creating in our own lives - and watching others do the same.

We actively participate in a process - over an extended period of time - in which we receive all kinds of information and support and modeling and then the opportunity to practice, practice, practice.

Reading

One of the main practices is doing psychic readings.

Now, I did not come to CDM to become a psychic reader - I came to heal.
But, I knew the CDM Clairvoyant program was where I needed to do that - so, I did readings.

I will tell you plainly that I hated it - I really hated it.
I had so much invalidation and doubt and self-judgment and perfect pictures, etc in my space that it was a real drag. I couldn't stand attention - any attention - I was not ok, how I looked was not ok, what I did was not ok. Reading felt like being put in the spotlight - I had to start saying what I saw. How could what I had to say have any value for people? Not fun for Wendy, I'll tell you.

And although, over time, I cleared (and continue to clear) the pain and programming, the invalidation and doubt, the competition and lack of seniority in my own space, the resistance and many other things that made reading so challenging for me, it remained a challenge until almost the end
of the program. People would say, oh you are a great reader, and believe me it helped - but I really didn't believe it. And over time, the joy and energy and healing, the giving and receiving I experienced in readings started to slowly become larger than all the discomfort.

It was sometime the beginning of this year that I started looking forward to reading. For other people I understand this happens A LOT sooner, but it wasn't until my final quarter - almost 2 years into the program - that I really WANTED to read. NOW I understand why people come here to read WHEN THEY DON'T EVEN HAVE TO.

Reading is magic. I walk in an ordinary person and get to participate in a sacred dance - in which everyone there is validated and healed - everyone walks out changed. It is an incredible experience - some readings are more exciting or mundane, confronting or fun than others - but it is an incredible gift to be a part of them now.

And now I love doing student readings, I especially love being a center chair. This is funny because I was so afraid to be center chair - I felt like it was too much responsibility, I wasn't powerful enough or good enough to do it. Every step along the way I fought and resisted - I assumed everything would keep getting harder - who needed that aggravation?

But, now I can tell you it is an honor and a blessing to be center chair. I really enjoy having seniority in the room, making sure it is safe and high energy for everyone. Knowing more and more what is going on in that room and with everyone in it, and increasingly owning my power in a way that makes a positive difference there. I love playing and learning and healing with my side chairs, and enjoying their process and progress along with my own. I won't say I never get nervous or self-conscious anymore, but it is no longer my primary experience - in readings, or in my life.
That's huge.

Practice

So, as CDM ministers, we have the incredible opportunity to look at hundreds of different people over an extended period of time, to validate them as spirit, validate their co-creations and assist them change. We get to see the uniqueness of each spirit and the journey we are each choosing. We also get to see how many things we have in common as humans together on this planet.

As CDM ministers we have the experience of owning healing and change for ourselves and assisting many, many others in their healing journeys, over an extended period of time. We get to practice having our own space while we assist others healing.

When people become black belts or pilots or massage therapists, they have a lot of information and a lot of experience - this is a great accomplishment and some see them as having arrived. But the masters know, they are being validated for mastering the basics and they are getting a license to
continue learning - an opportunity to go out and practice.

Becoming a CDM minister seems similar. We receive an over-abundance of information, support, modeling and a whole lot of opportunity to practice.  We do this over an extended period of time - until it changes our habits, our abilities, our way of seeing and interacting with the world. For
myself, I can say "I am Spirit - a part of Gd, I have a body and I have co-creations in the world" and believe it and act in accordance with that, more and more.

So, as CDM ministers we have been changed over time. We become ministers and enter the next phase of our spiritual journey, like so many before us.  And, every day, every moment we have the choice whether or not to consciously manifest as spirit in the world - as does everyone. That is the whole game. We manifest as spirit in the world. By doing this, we change, the world changes. That is what it means to me to be a CDM minister. Maybe it is simple after all.

Personal Healing

To be more personal, there was some personal healing I absolutely needed in my life. I looked high and low, all over the country for a place to heal myself. When I finally found CDM, it felt like home.  There were 5 things I consciously wanted out of my Seminary experience. There isn't enough time to tell you about these things in depth, but I did want to validate - and I got them and so much more:
* I wanted personal healing, on all levels;
* I wanted to become a healer with good boundaries;
* I wanted to learn to own my own power in a positive way;
* I wanted to receive validation and learn to self-validate;
* and I wanted to increase my havingness and learn to consciously co-create good things in my life.

I have received these things and, of course it is a P word - a process, but the process is in motion and I am proud of the progress.

Being an Adult

Besides the 5 things I consciously wanted out of my seminary experience, I have received so many other gifts and insights and growth and change - I can't begin to tell you.

I can say that for me, going through this program has been about becoming an adult:
* Being able to stand on my own two feet,
* To own my own space and my own reality,
* To appreciate this great body I have and this amazing opportunity for life on this planet,
* to own the life I have co-created and know that I have the opportunity to co-create my future as spirit.

I now have a way of seeing and understanding my life and the world that works for me. This is huge. I have a useful place to stand, to know who I am and what is important in this world is something I always wanted and needed - but never found for any significant period of time. I made myself
miserable in my early life yearning for and searching for the meaning of life and how best to live it. I lived with this lack of useful, cogent world-view for a long time and then learned to live without it. But now, my life makes sense, the world makes sense, my experiences make sense. I have a very firm rock on which to build my life, this is a great comfort and joy.

I wish similar gifts for anyone who wants them, I highly recommend CDM as a path to Center.

Thanks for all the Fish

And so it is with profound gratefulness that I stand before you today as a member of the Church of Divine Man.

On behalf of myself and all the seminary students I would like to thank the board, the staff, the members, and everyone who walks through the door, for everything we have had the opportunity to give and receive here.

I would like to thank my fellow students, past and present, for who you are, and who you are to me, and who you let me be for you.

I would like to thank my partner, my friends and my family for who you are and your love and support of me above and beyond the call of duty.

I would like to thank Gd, as well as myself, for showing up and playing the game.
Blessed Be.