The perils of so-called 'Spiritual Romance'

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Many are hungering after a spiritual partner, to Really start living their 'spiritual life'. 

Someone to 

- eat Vegetarian with, 

- partner with in daily Meditation, 

- practice Releasing ego and fear continually & consciously together

... whatever the pictures are.

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It is always tempting to WAIT 

for Something, Someone, Sometime... 

- outside of here, now, with, 

- outside of myself 

to BE/ DO my ideal concepts.

Of course the answer is: 

Start NOW.

 

We can do these things individually, 

with groups of friends, 

and in conscious connection with all our relations. 

Why wait? 

Vegetarianism, daily meditation, practicing releasing ego and fear continually, et al, 

- who can argue? let's GO!
; )

Trying to add 'romantic love' (really dependency on any other person) to the mix 

is a recipe for disaster.

It stops me from my path. 

AND 

Truth is: I need to have my act together when that Romance wave hits 

- it Really upsets the applecart, 

- and I Really need to know Who I am and What I want, 

or it is easy to be Swept Away....

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Tying one's Relationship 

to expectation or demand of some list of beliefs, ways-of-being, practices (from self and other) 

make always-changing relationships between always-growing people, even harder than they already are!

But, as a conscious practice choice of one individual, 

who is already vibrating more and more in this way, 

who desires to attract another in a love dance...

 

With someone who hopefully will at least sometimes / often? 

be in alignment with these practices, knowing sometimes they may not!!!

; ) 

This seems a more obtainable and healthy path, to me.

We attract the vibration we are, after all. 

SO being the practice, 

seems the most likely path to attract someone in alignment with the practice, seems to me...

After that, what is Absolutely Necessary for them to be/do?

For me, I Require nothing discussed above, of Them. 

What about you?

: ) W

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In relationships, there will be tears... this is par for the course

I like to say,
once in a relationship, there will almost definitely be tears:
at least one person, leaves or dies, and at least one person cries.

I don't mean to be whiny, here,
actually the opposite:
I mean to put the whining to rest.

All things in life ebb and flow,
this is the natural course of things and
there is No fighting it, in the long run.

When we play the game of Love,
we are in-for a Wild Ride!

I like to say with children,
loving them is like having pieces of our heart dancing out there in the world, without us.
Anything can happen to them, and we live the consequences!

I say this about kids, because it is SO damn obvious,
but really, this is how it is with all our relations...

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This is just the game;
pain and loss are part of the game...
if we don't like it we shouldn't play.

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This is how I deal with all my relations:
I know when I engage in a relationship, my heart will break open;
the more I invest, the more it will break open... in ways I enjoy and in ways that I don't.

I always like to look at the worst-case scenario,
it helps me choose, it helps me plan, it helps me consider the risk-reward...
maybe you are different, and you don't like this way of looking at relationships, that's cool.

But, this frame helps me.
It has me remember that my precious little heart, 

my precious little heart-breaks, 

my precious little feels-like-all-the-walls-of-my-life-are-all-falling-down...

this is not Sooo Special, 

but, my particular loss and pain is not Sooo Special.

It is just the game that we are All in... 

how we play it matters a lot, 

but it is still the only game in town.

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Some like to use the lever:
"I have been hurt before, 

so you have to accommodate me; 

my pain gets to run the show."

This is BS, IMO.
Everyone has been hurt before, 

no one's pain gets to run the show.

Within ourselves, and in our relationships, 

optimally, we live in freedom and joy:
our pain doesn't get to run the show.

Of course, a lot of times our pain does run the show,
THAT is what healing is For ; )

That's my opinion, YMMV,
Wendy

When we heal ourselves, we heal the world

"I'm sorry. Please forgive me. I love you. Thank you."

you can some about this here

I don't practice Dr. Len's method, but I am informed by it in my own healing practice.

I shared about Dr. Len's modern application of hoʻoponopono 

with a couple of my students the other day in an advanced healing class. 

They came back reporting a shift for themselves 

by referencing/utilizing some of Dr Len's distinctions within their own spiritual healing practice.

I had shared about this tangentially, and i was excited to see this fruit.

I think each of these:
"I'm sorry. Please forgive me. I love you. Thank you."
can be useful doorways for healing

More usefully, from my perspective, is the KNOWing, BEing and DOing that:
what we heal inside ourselves
really does heal the world outside ourselves.

BEING the change we want to see in the world
IS the WAY

I believe Dr. Len's story is a modern example of many powerful healers through the ages 

and the shift that HAPPENS, when we shift.

I like to share it for inspiration.
Blessings, w

How can our experience of being alive, shift?

With Soul Evolution:
What might we be able to do?
How can things be different?

The leap into a spiritually-focused life can change everything.

Our new capacities that we access and build upon, shift our lives dramatically for the better, inside and out.  

Along our unique spiritual path we find support, connection and the true fulfillment of our deepest calling.  

We become more conscious, effective agents of change in our lives and in the world.

When you access the outcomes below with ease and consistency, how could it change your world?


1.  Turn glimpses of possibility and clarity into lasting change and sustained momentum

One of the universal challenges on the path of spiritual development and personal growth is converting our insights into lasting results.  

Despite hard work, glimmers of tremendous potential, and deepening awareness 

- and even periods of significant progress - 

many of us are frustrated by our tendency to slide back into old patterns.

This waning of consistency and commitment is natural.  

But when we are able to access our soul, 

we discover resources that are enduring and powerful enough to sustain our practices, 

truly embody new possibilities, 

and move us to act on what really matters to us.

Imagine tapping into a source of inspiration that so powerfully transcends the drives of our habitual self, 

that we just can't go back to the way things have been. 

With a larger perspective, and expanded internal resources, 

we become what we access in our most inspired moments. 

The result: 

an active, new-found momentum in our spiritual practices, in our lives, and in our highest aspirations in the world.

2.  Create deeper, more authentic relationships, and find community with others who share our values and aspirations

Stepping up to meaningful change in the world 

and to pioneer a new way of being human is an exciting and enlivening prospect, 

but it can also feel lonely out on the leading edge. 

When we surround ourselves with others who share a commitment to Soul Evolution, 

we can more easily overcome social gravity.

That's where evolutionary partnership with kindred spirits becomes useful. 

We can access deeply connected friendships and partnerships that serve us, and others.  

As a Soul Evolutionaries, we can both give and receive in conscious collaboration.


3.  Discover a spiritual practice that is relevant to our modern world and can be lived 24/7

Many people's spiritual longings are scarcely fulfilled by a half-hour-a-day meditation practice, 

and we wonder how to live spiritually when life's demands don't allow for extended retreats and pilgrimages.

And although traditional paths and practices have helped humans all along, 

many of us are not deeply served by them.

Soul Evolution practices are relevant to the complexities and challenges of modern life 

- an engaged, holistic approach that turns everyday life into a spiritual practice, 24/7.  

We don't sequester ourselves to prepare for a later return to living.  

It's spiritual life - in action - NOW.

When we step into Soul Evolution Practices, conscious living is part of the practice 

- how we relate to our experiences, situations, and other people. 

The result is a practical, grounded spirituality that has impact on ourselves and the world 

- and a daily life infused with meaning and purpose.

4. Learn how to defuse our physical-focus and undermining habits

Our habit of physical-focus is an obstacle 

when we are choosing to live a spiritually-focused life: 

conscious, awakened, enlightened, free.

When these unproductive habits and instincts run the show unconsciously, 

nothing really works the way we sense it could 

- not in our lives or in our world.

What's more, many spiritual and psychological disciplines have taught us that 

our human nature is fixed and must be accepted, 

offering little hope for anything more than "small change."

But the discovery of the soul self changes all that, 

offering a path beyond old patterns and ways of being,  

a path that is more direct than most of us can imagine. 

By aligning with the pure and powerful part of ourselves, 

we bypass outmoded impulses. 

We liberate ourselves from the religious and social programming of our world.

The drives toward survival, emotionality, stasis, 'being right', avoidance of truth and commitment... 

loose their grip on our lives. 

They don't go away, but they cease to be compelling. 

The voice of limitation no longer captures our attention; 

the temptation to play the victim loses its charge. 

With ourselves as spirit in the driver's seat, 

we are free to take creative healthy risks, 

lean into positive change, 

face truths with less resistance, and 

allow the flourishing of our highest human potential. 

5. Live our highest aspirations, wisdom and callings, even when we don't feel like it

From the soul self, we experience an un-linking of the bondage 

between our thoughts & feelings, and our choices & actions. 

We discover the liberation of our capacity to consciously align our self with Higher Consciousness.

Instead of being thrown off-course by strong feelings, 

we are informed by them and we can keep our course.  

You can give up the notion that "I couldn't help it."   

Emotions such as fear don't have to be obstacles to internal freedom and external action. 

This doesn't mean suppressing our feelings.  

We can feel all our feelings deeply - even more so - 

with an expanding care for the whole;

and still see clearly in the face of them. 

And, we learn to read our feelings more accurately 

and obtain the wisdom and data they contain... 

without getting sidetracked by them.

The result:  Better choices, commitment, and a life of integrity and presence.

Emotional and intellectual freedom 

is one of the most liberating and powerful transformations of Soul Evolution.  

Spiritual freedom is key.

6. "Draft" on the momentum and energy of evolution

When we don't seem to be getting the results our spiritual practices were intended to deliver, 

many of us begin to doubt that the ideals we once set out to manifest are even possible.  

Unfortunately, much of contemporary spiritual thought supports this reduced vision, 

suggesting we "call off the search" and accept that this is as good as it gets.  

One of the pitfalls most people don't even realize they're stuck in 

is a context for our spiritual work that's simply too small. 

An unfortunate byproduct of our individualistic culture 

is that spiritual growth is often seen as being strictly personal 

- for our own fulfillment, happiness, and enlightenment.

Entire generation has thus been earnestly working on themselves 

chiefly to obtain happier, more peaceful lives 

- and wondering why this doesn't catalyze significant change.

What if the purpose of a spiritual path includes us, but doesn't end with us? 

In Soul Evolution, we connect with the role our own progress plays in the great game of Soul Evolution 

- the way that, as evolving beings in an evolving universe, we can participate in the advancement of humanity and Consciousness itself.  

Our healing and transformation effects those around us, and beyond.

7. Find the resilience, perspective and genuine optimism to face the biggest challenges confronting humanity today

The Spiritual perspective helps us understand and navigate our problems and challenges more accurately, 

and offers a vantage-point that is the ultimate antidote to cynicism: 

we realize that everything can and will change.

The practices of Soul Evolution infuse us 

with resilience, inspiration, creativity, and energy. 

With spirit leading the charge, 

we're tapped into the limitless, positive and unstoppable momentum of the cosmos itself. 

Rather than take on issues alone, as individuals or even as a community, 

we're fueled by something much larger.

We can also take heart in the fact that by developing ourselves, 

we are "being the change" 

and doing perhaps the most important work of all:

contributing to a cultural and energetic shift 

that may ultimately instigate more improvement than tackling any one issue on its own.

-------------------------------------------

These are a few of the ways in which our experience of being alive can shift 

when we step into what is an evolutionary relationship to life 

- the fundamental shift in our orientation that is generated 

when we awaken this deeper part of our self as spirit and take the reins.

When we are able to cultivate these very real capabilities, 

we find that our deepest hopes and dreams 

for a comfortable self and a better world weren't a pipe dream after all. 

We learn that we can evolve what it is to be human 

- not modestly, but radically - 

in a way that not only better serves our work, families and lives, 

but fulfills on the highest promise of humanity's potential.

Soul Evolution, take the next step.

Relationships: GO where the JUICE is!

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A friend of mine was talking about issues around dating on FB. I started writing and i just kept writing: I kept it up for awhile ; )

Below are a few of the ideas I have about 'dating' I feel something bubbling up in my ministry in this arena: don't know how it will come out, yet... I think starting the relationship FB group is a step in that direction as well ; )

**

When 'dating' I educate potential partners about who I am and where I come from, I share myself, I set Very Clear boundaries and expectations: I want this and not that, 'I want to snuggle but I don't want to be sexual tonight', for example.

I believe the most important time to be honest with myself and with another about who I really am, is in the beginning of a relationship. I put it all right out there, some would say I try to scare folks away: but what I really do is get both of us to be excited about what 'works' and realistic about what does and doesn't *fit* as Fast as possible.

It is like a job interview, many folks go on 'dates' saying: oh pick me! and then be on best behavior, and try to do and say it 'right'. I have learned as both an employee and an employer: the potential *employee's* job in an interview is to find out:
- Will I fit in here?
- Does this company and position fit my needs?
- What are they looking for and is it a good personality and skills match for me?
- What are the short and long-term goals for this job, and how does that suit my short and long-term goals? etc.

As an interviewer, if someone comes in knowing who they are and what they want and is PROACTIVE about finding out about the company and the position and what would be expected of them = pretty much always I want to hire their ass! Because they are taking responsibility for themselves and their life and their career path and it is very likely they will take responsibility for the job and the things that need done, if I hire them: this is Very Attractive, personally and professionally!!

Similar things are true for a 'dating' situation: when I GO FOR what I want, what I need, what is fun for me, what is juicy; and I am clear about MY priorities: 'yes I want sex, but I want to feel safe first', or whatever: this is extremely attractive!

So I practice being 'myself in extreme' when 'dating' - we might not end up together, but I have fun, we both get value, and they know what they are getting or not getting very clearly. I am not stuck in: are they a good fit or not? I don't go to fantasy land, thinking: Maybe I could make myself fit in their box, Maybe they could fit in my box if i saw off an arm: that is complete BS! In my way of being, If I am not jazzed about them, and them about me, what is the point of that? The end-game makes no sense, IMO. If it is not an exciting fit, I bless them and I am on to the next juicy, authentic encounter.

If I am not comfortable with anything in the dating situation, I say so, and I say what would work better for me. If I don't think it will work out, I say so ASAP, and deal with the issues. One of the best jobs I have had, I kept telling the owner: I don't think this job is a good fit because x, y, z - and he kept coming back with a new offer because he saw in me the potential to assist his business. One of the sweetest lovers I've ever had, I turned down over and over; and he kept coming back and saying no: we can work out p, d & q. I am not saying to play games, or play hard to get, or any of that BS - I am saying the opposite: PLAY YOUR OWN GAME!

The 'dating' game is not about putting on my best face, and my sexiest outfit and being as NICE and ACCOMMODATING as I can be. This leads to Very Bad results: because someone ends up buying a 'package' and eventually has to find out somewhere along the way that they got a bait-and-switch! Eventually I need to be Myself (I pray this is true!) and then what??

Meanwhile, if I am trying to be something I am not, it is a lot of work, and not a lot of fun for anyone! And i have to be hyper-vigilant. And I can't receive love, affection or validation because I am too busy being someone I am not! Their true attraction for me cannot come IN because I know their affection is for my facade, not for ME! Aye, 'what a tangled web we weave...'

Meanwhile, while I am busy trying to match this one person's pictures of a perfect mate, or whatever - I am missing the chance to be treasured by some one who is GAGA Crazy over *ME* - my real, true self! Because if I do not let MYSELF out to Play, then *I* am not available to fall in love with! On the other hand, If I let my freak-flag fly and BE ME: THAT IS *VERY* ATTRACTIVE - I am warm and loving and fun, interesting and interested in them - etc - who wouldn't want to play with me??

I have been Very fortunate to be blessed with amazing partners throughout my adulthood. I always say when I am open to a new partner: although I cannot imagine it (because my past partners were amazing) but, my next partner will be even More Amazing - and it is true!!

I have always been larger than the average woman, and I am average looking, and average in many ways - not especially brilliant, or especially interesting to most people. Meanwhile, some of my acquaintances are surprised: 'you are fat, how are you with that great guy?' I swear this is what they say!

Well, I continue to let go of the lovely pictures my family and this society gave me that say: 'you Have to be (model) beautiful to be loved'. My mother actually said this to me growing up, and she meant well: she wanted the best for me and she believed I needed to get with the 'program' if I wanted to be loved. Her pictures are that I need to be thin, and fit, and appropriate, and dress well and be sexy, and cook and clean... and accommodate a LOT.

Well, I did get with the program - but a very different program than hers! I am a great cook, but I only do it when I feel like it. I rarely wear makeup, I don't iron, I dress... uniquely ; ) I am a terrible cleaner and only do it when i feel like it: which is not a lot. I am really awful at most of the things my mom, and many other people, think I need to DO and Be, IN ORDER to be loved...

And I think my mom is still amazed that I can be my unpolished, somewhat slovenly self and have such an amazing, delightful relationship with an awesome partner. I still think after Michael and I being together for over 16 years now, that she cocks her head in wonder at me - still kinda wondering: 'how did she pull this off' ; )

I am not saying any of this to get down on my Mom, she loves me, she just has very different pictures about how to live life than i do!!

Here are some of my pictures about how life works for me:
I hold on to the love of Gd, which shines out from me.
And I allow myself to love myself, the best I can.
And I let Gd continue to teach me to let others love me: even when I don't live up to my own or society's pictures about beauty or whatever.

And, if I let go of I'M FAT and trip on it as little as possible, most people can let go of it too!! I think Guys especially get a really bad rap: 'oh, Men are bad, they only want young, thin, perfect little creatures'. Of course there are women who only want a certain body-type as well... Great they can play together and hope no one gets sick or hurt or old ; )

So, for some this is true. But for many this is absolutely Not true. Folks want a lot more in a relationship then some perfect facade.

The truth is, after a while, whomever I love is beautiful to me: regardless of the big nose or the pot belly - their bodies are absolutely precious to me. PRECIOUS.

And another fact is: humans can get used to almost anything, very quickly: SO I start dating, IDK, George Clooney or Andie McDowell tomorrow - in a couple months or years, they will be just another person to me: someone who snuggles in bed and leaves toothpaste in the sink, and who I sometimes love and sometimes hate - just normal everyday life... Not, OMG, I am sleeping with a dreamboat! Because this we can count on: we can learn to take almost anything for granted ; )

There are sweet spots, and delightful, as well as annoying, idiosyncrasies about each person - count on it - no one is a completely perfect fit - it just matters if they are annoyances that I can live with!

But, to get back to the point, if I walk around saying THEY won't love me until I am Blah, blah, blah (until I am thin with long hair - or whatever ; ) Well, then, um, they won't love me until I am thin with long hair! It is impossible for anyone to get Through that Barrier - MY BARRIER! And I am not likely to be thin with long hair any time in the next month - probably this lifetime... so until then; I might as well go play with the body I've got!!

My point is, when I get out of my own way, and start ALLOWING Love Now, then that is what I get: Love. Now.

There is spiritual work that really assists me with this. I am constantly babbling about this, so I won't add this now ; )

Anyway, here is the bottom line:
I have been a relationship coach for about 20 years, off and on, and I always tell folks: just GO where the JUICE is!
- Who are you attracted to (in whatever way, man or woman) go THERE and play!
- What situation or activities are JUICY for you - go there and play!
- and BE JUICED about it all!

While you are at it:
- BE wildly authentic.
- Allow the Universe to provide.
- Love yourself, and allow love IN.

It comes down to: FOLLOW YOUR BLISS, wherever she leads...
LIFE will open to you, Doors will open to you, Friends and Delights will open to you. Love will open to you... Bet on It!!


Happy weekend - w
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Some Fruit of Life: Beautiful & Brave

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The quote below is really one big paragraph: I formatted it for emphasis and readability:

We must assume our existence
as broadly as we in any way can;
everything, even the unheard-of, must be possible in it.
That is at bottom the only courage that is demanded of us:
to have courage for
the most strange,
the most singular and
the most inexplicable that we may encounter.

That mankind has in this sense been cowardly
has done life endless harm;
the experiences that are called "visions,"
the whole so-called "spirit-world,"
death,
all those things that are so closely akin to us,
have by daily parrying been so crowded out of life
that the senses with which we could have grasped them
are atrophied.
To say nothing of God.

But fear of the inexplicable
has not alone impoverished the existence of the individual;
the relationship between one human being and another
has also been cramped by it,
as though it had been lifted
out of the riverbed of endless possibilities
and set down in a fallow spot on the bank,
to which nothing happens.
For it is not inertia alone
that is responsible for human relationships
repeating themselves from case to case,
indescribably monotonous and unrenewed:
it is shyness before any sort of new, unforeseeable experience
with which one does not think oneself able to cope.

But only someone who is ready for everything,
who excludes nothing,
not even the most enigmatical,
will live the relation to another as something alive
and will himself draw exhaustively from his own existence.

For if we think of this existence of the individual
as a larger or smaller room,
it appears evident that most people learn to know
only a corner of their room,
a place by the window,
a strip of floor on which they walk up and down.
Thus they have a certain security.

And yet that dangerous insecurity is so much more human
which drives the prisoners in Poe's stories
to feel out the shapes of their horrible dungeons
and not be strangers to the unspeakable terror of their abode.

We, however, are not prisoners.
No traps or snares are set about us,
and there is nothing which should intimidate or worry us.
We are set down in life
as in the element to which we best correspond,
and over and above this we have
through thousands of years of accommodation
become so like this life,
that when we hold still we are,
through a happy mimicry,
scarcely to be distinguished from all that surrounds us.

We have no reason to mistrust our world,
for it is not against us.
Has it terrors, they are our terrors;
has it abysses, those abuses belong to us;
are dangers at hand, we must try to love them.

And if only we arrange our life
according to that principle which counsels us
that we must always hold to the difficult,
then that which now still seems to us the most alien
will become what we most trust and find most faithful.

How should we be able to forget
those ancient myths about dragons
that at the last moment turn into princesses;
perhaps all the dragons of our lives are princesses
who are only waiting to see us once beautiful and brave.
Perhaps everything terrible is in its deepest being
something helpless that wants help from us.
- Rainer Maria Rilke

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Dancing judgment - theirs, and mine

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I have Much experience with Dancing judgment - theirs, and mine.  

It still bothers me sometimes, but SO much less than the past.  

I am attracting a lot less resistance to my path the more I own it as MINE. 

I used to feel attacked a lot - embattled and un-loved because of it. 

I feel that way less and less, and folks’ behavior toward me is now  less and less attacking or judging.

I have played the role of a square peg in a round hole a lot in my life 

(Goddess-loving, Christian, Bisexual, Polyamorous, Psychic to name a few roles I play– a lot of things for myself and others to get hooked on…).  

So I have a lot of practice! 

I have found many strategies to handle this for myself.  

I cannot address them all, 

but I will name a few internal and external things I do that work for me.

And of course this is a work in progress, I am not nearly baked.  

But I am so much more comfortable now than I used to be 

- I used to suffer a lot around these issues - now only a little ; )

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Internal: This is the most important thing – always, IMO.
I use my meditation techniques ongoingly to do things like:

* let Gd heal me

* let go of my deep, sometimes semi-conscious internal resistance and judgment of myself for being who I am and doing what I am doing (internalized homophobia, etc)

* allow in attitudes and energy of neutrality, amusement, all the gifts of the spirit…

* consciously let go of competition and judgment of self and others (i.e. I let go of judging them for judging me), resistance to their and my way of being (i.e. I let go of attachment to them liking and admiring me).

* acknowledge that I have co-created my experience and consciously create with Spirit something I prefer.

* receive, receive, receive from Gd and other spiritual Masters & Guides, as well as from the Earth: the love, validation, experience of wholeness from the inside, what I am tempted to want from others on the outside!

* be what we call in my tradition 'body of glass': 

instead of blocking / protecting / resisting / attaching to energies that I do not want in my system; 

I allow Gd to clear my space so those energies pass right through me.  

The more I allow my space to clear, the less stuff sticks to me. 

What does stick or HOOK, that is where I can allow healing to shift me - so next time I am more clear.

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As I do these kinds of things internally, I am more comfortable and happy in my own space, folks are more easeful with me, and it makes it easier for others to shift to a clearer, lighter vibration in their own space, as well. 

I remember: what I resist, persists…

This changes MY internal experience. 

This changes the kinds of energies I attract, so my external experience changes as well. 

SO, what happens is I attract 

less of the kind of people who judge me, 

the people in my life judge me less, 

and when they do judge me it bothers me less. 

What does bother me, I allow Gd to heal, 

and the cycle starts over at even a higher level.

The most important part of this cycle is for me to let go of judging and trying to change the folks in my life 

and devote all that attention and energy to my relationship with Gd and my inner healing.
Again, I am still very much in process with this, but the results so far are quite stunning.

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External: really secondary, but helpful.

I allow the changes that I have found from using my meditation techniques to seep into my physical life to change my habits of thinking, feeling, acting and reacting.

This is quite a process.
Here are a few examples of some practices I use to shift my outer life:

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* I avoid giving advice.  

My best information comes from within, and I don’t change until I am ready 

– so I mean to stay out of the way and let others have their own journey as well.  

I want all to enjoy our own and honor each other’s spiritual freedom, free will. 

When folks ask me for advice, I try to stick to speaking from my own beliefs and experience, and when appropriate (like when I am reading or sometimes when teaching) saying what I see around their situation.  

My tradition believes we teach what we need to learn, 

and any advice I give is what I need to hear myself, so I take that to heart.  

When I am compelled to give advice, I notice that is a place I need healing.  

When others are compelled to give me advice, 

I notice that perhaps it is a place they need healing, and try not to take it personally ; )

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* I enjoy my curiosity about who folks are and why they believe what they believe. 

I already know what I believe and don’t necessarily need to hear myself say it over and over. 

But, if I am interested in getting to know someone else better, then I am interested in the how, when and what of their POV.

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* I personally have found the perspective and tools on NVC: non-violent (or compassionate) communication to be extremely useful and of great service to me in my physical communication and relationships.

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* If someone is my intimate, I speak in my own voice completely authentically and they love and validate me. 

Sometimes we need to work things out, conflict and misunderstandings – but the basis of who I am and what I am up to is Not under attack, for me this is what an intimate IS.  

For non-intimates, I do my best to ‘speak into their listening’.  

I remain truthful and myself, but I make an effort to communicate in ways, with words and concepts that match their world view. 

I find this helps bridge unnecessary gaps and find common ground on which we can build. 

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* The more I let go of (non-intimate) people in my life understanding me, loving me, validating me, knowing me (I get these needs met elsewhere), 

the more I can relate to folks on the level that They feel comfortable. 

I do not have to share experiences, beliefs, myself in ways that people cannot interface with me in an enjoyable way (I polka with folks who can polka and waltz with folks who can waltz – I enjoy most 3 count dances, so what do I care? ; )

Instead of trying to get my needs met from someone who cannot meet them, or can not meet them comfortably, 

I interface with them where/how they can meet me – or avoid the encounter completely.

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* Although I am very open, I do not tell every person every thing in my life.  

They don’t really want to know.  

If they ask and I believe they will be uncomfortable with the answer, 

I sometimes ask if they really want to know; 

if yes I will prolly choose to tell them. 

Or, sometimes I will divert the conversation, 

and if they care enough to bring questions up again, then I will prolly choose to tell them.  

It always remains my choice, and the consequences are mine as well. 

Many folks in my life do not really want to know about the things in my life that bring them discomfort.  

They have learned not to press too far in certain directions because they don’t really want to encounter conflict.   

I have found their discomfort with processing or their leaning toward peaceful-seeming encounters are usually greater than their desire to connect deeply with me. 

For folks who do press through and really want to know me, I honor them, even when we disagree. 

I share with them honestly for as long as they can be respectful toward me.  

When they lose their ability to relate as adult humans, I set boundaries and hope that soon we can connect authentically with joy.

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So, that is a bit of what I do with the challenge of feeling judged. 

I hope something here assists you in your Journey.

In life, wendy

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Use It or Lose It

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Use It or Lose It: Dancing Makes You Smarter.
I recommend this whole webpage by Richard Powers - some very useful information about social dancing and life ; )
Here are some excerpts from the article linked above:

"Randomly dying brain cells are like stepping stones being removed one by one. Those who had only one well-worn path of stones are completely blocked when some are removed. But those who spent their lives trying different mental routes each time, creating a myriad of possible paths, still have several paths left."

"The essence of intelligence is making decisions. And the concluding advice, when it comes to improving your mental acuity, is to involve yourself in activities which require split-second rapid-fire decision making, as opposed to rote memory (retracing the same well-worn paths), or just working on your physical style."

"Dancing integrates several brain functions at once, increasing connectivity. Dancing simultaneously involves kinesthetic, rational, musical and emotional processes."

"Jean Piaget suggested that intelligence is what we use when we don't already know what to do."

"freestyle social dancing isn't that simple! It requires a lot of split-second decision-making, in both the lead and follow roles."

To Fully Show Up in All our Glory & Darkness

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To fully show up in the face of others, in all our glory and all our darkness, is a courageous choice to make.

I live in marriage beyond my wildest dreams. Not that it is always pink and frilly and happy-ever-after, no, it is utterly fulfilling for a whole other reason.

To fully show up in the face of others, in all our glory and all our darkness, is a courageous choice to make. The arena in which the depths of this challenge most reveals itself to us is perhaps that of our intimate relationships.

I was only sixteen the first time I made a desperate decision never to involve myself in a relationship again. I was determined to avoid the pain of a broken heart; I decided to be a nun. This lasted a month, until another prince came along and I was back on the merry-go-round of romantic highs and lows, happily oblivious to the errors of the past. Of course, I crashed again. And again.

My attempt to take the spiritual escape route was not very successful either. Although I enjoyed being alone and meditating, basking in silence, life constantly nudged me toward relating to other people. It became clear to me that I needed to find a way to merge relationship and spirituality instead of holding them as opposites.

Because most of our spiritual role models have been men who lived more or less reclusively, away from family and sexuality, it has been all too easy to conclude that we all should strive for a similar lifestyle to find spiritual freedom. Our attraction to relationship has been looked on as a weakness and a distraction.

Now that the awakening feminine is emerging in our lives again, we see a shift of paradigm. The feminine is naturally drawn to relating and to community and sees no intrinsic contradiction between spiritual realization and full involvement in life. On the contrary, it is in areas of relationship, sexuality, and family that she may find her deepest expression of the sacred.

- Awakening Women Institute

They're Singing Your Song

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From a story told by Alan Cohen
in his book: Wisdom Of The Heart:

When a woman in a certain African tribe knows
she is pregnant, she goes out into the wilderness
with a few friends and together they pray and
meditate until they hear the song of the child.
They recognize that every soul has its own vibration
that expresses its unique flavor and purpose. When
the women attune to the song, they sing it out loud. 
Then they return to the tribe and teach it to everyone
else.

When the child is born, the community gathers and sings the child's song to him or her. Later, when the child enters education, the village gathers and chants the child's song. When the child passes through the initiation to adulthood, the people again come
together and sing. At the time of marriage, the person hears his or her song.

Finally, when the soul is about to pass from this world, the family and friends gather at the person's bed, just as they did at their birth, and they sing the person to the next life.

To the African tribe there is one other occasion upon which the villagers sing to the child. If at any time during his or her life, the person commits a crime or aberrant social act, the individual is called to the center of the village and the people in the community
form a circle around them. Then they sing their song to them.

The tribe recognizes that the correction for antisocial behavior is not punishment; it is love and the remembrance of identity. When you recognize your own song, you have no desire or need to do anything that would hurt another.

A friend is someone who knows your song and sings it to you when you have forgotten it. Those who love you are not fooled by mistakes you have made or dark images you hold about yourself. They remember your beauty when you feel ugly; your wholeness when you are broken; your innocence when you feel guilty; and your purpose when you are confused.

You may not have grown up in an African tribe that sings your song to you at crucial life transitions, but life is always reminding you when you are in tune with yourself and when you are not. When you feel good, what you are doing matches your song, and when you feel awful, it doesn't. In the end, we shall all recognize our song and sing it well.

You may feel a little warbly at the moment, but so have all the great singers. Just keep singing and you'll find your way home.

You Can't Be Loved Until You Make Peace With Betrayal

I watched Helen Hunt’s movie (Then She Found Me) yesterday. I watched all the special features today, including the movie with director’s voiceover. I recommend the movie. I found it moving: funny and sad; insightful, true.

Turns out I had written about some main themes in this movie 14 months ago (below) – because I had read Helen Hunt being interviewed about it and I was really moved.

I watched the movie and didn’t realize it was THAT movie until it was done. I’d ‘accidentally’ bought the DVD at goodwill for $4 because it had great people in it.

---

*************

Monday, June 02, 2008

Hi Friends,

I haven’t seen Helen Hunt's new movie, J & Y weren't overly impressed by it.

But, I received some treasure from reading about her process with it. This is from an interview Redbook, May 08:

I spent a lot of years writing, then put the script away because I just couldn't get it made. The best movies have one sentence that they're exploring, a thesis, something that people can argue about over dinner afterward. I couldn't say what that was.

At the time, I was wanting a baby. April's younger in the novel, and I thought, You either have a baby, want a baby, or don't want a baby, but you don't nothing a baby if you're in your 30s or 40s. Then a friend sent me an essay by James Hillman [author of The Soul's Code] called "Betrayal." I studied and studied it. I started to realize that people will think this movie is about adoption or motherhood, but for me it's about this issue of betrayal. April feels betrayed by everybody. She betrays herself. She feels betrayed by God. I finally landed on the idea that you can't be loved until you make peace with betrayal. With that, I had a compass for the movie.

I read this line and I was arrested by it:

you can't be loved until you make peace with betrayal

WOW, That sets an interesting and useful context for issues I have been chewing on and struggling with in the last few years, and for most of my life. And it is not just me, I see other folks that I am close to be “hooked” around the issues in this arena.

So, of course, I immediately found this essay (last night), and I am already profiting from it - and I expect I will continue to find continued blessing as I dwell here. Hillman presents several aspects to this issue of betrayal that I find to be useful places to stand to consider my own world-view and experience; it has already given me useful insight into others’ choices around things like intimacy and leadership, as well.

If you are interested, here is a link

http://www.blacksunjournal.com/psychology/18_betrayal-part-1-of-3-by-james-hillman_2001.html

(remember, eat the fruit; spit out the pits)

hope you are enjoying your cycles of love and learning,

in life,

wendy

in case the above link disappears, I put a copy of BETRAYAL here 

What do *I* mean by 'Intimates" (as a relationship category)

A Relationship paradigm.  Just how I do it, today.  

I believe it is useful to be clear on these things, what words mean, what me assumptions are, where boundaries are…

 

About Intimates

 

I’d like to be explicit about what I mean by being intimates. 
This is not a common term, or way of operating, although not uncommon either.  

I nurture an inner circle of friends, which I call intimates, what we share is an overlapping cloud of:

Freedom – aim to be our unadulterated selves with each other and for each other

Support – willingness to ask for and receive, as well as give (as much as is comfortable), support on any level – emotional, relational, physical, spiritual, etc

Love - love and be loved unabashedly – includes affinity, reality and communication

Juiciness – to each be enjoying the relationship and blessed to be in it

Consistency – we stay in touch, enjoy being together, our friendship is real and realized

 

I fall short a lot, I notice as I read through this.
It isn’t always easy or possible, but this is the general area I am shooting for with my intimates. 

Each of my intimate relationships is unique and constantly in flux. 
We aren’t always firing on all the cylinders above. 
But my intention is toward these areas, and I trust theirs is too. 

 

Back at the end of college, ’87, I read Jess Lair’s “Sex: If I didn’t Laugh, I’d Cry” 

– which might be my favorite of his books. 

He was really hot on “Mutual Need Relationships” 

– he talked about them in several of his books. 
He used the term in a similar way to my use of intimates.

I seem to remember he said it was healthy to have more than one, but hard to handle more than 4 or 5. 
In this book, he defined them in a way that stuck with me:

1) their faces light up when they see you

2) they have no program for your improvement

3) they like you the way we are, which is similar but a different flavor than above

4) they joy in your presence, just sit there having a good time, don’t need to think of anything to talk about

5) they look you up, if you don’t look them up

6) they stick with you, if you move away, or get in trouble or do some unpopular thing 

 

It is interesting to me, after writing my own definition for the first time (that I remember), to look at my first ‘official’ modeling of the ‘structure’ for these kinds of relationships. 

From my perspective, my definition is a bit more comprehensive and juicier. 
But his context is quite different: 

- he was probably two generations older than me and a man, 

- having these friendships with other men 

(and maybe his wife? I don’t remember if she fits in this category for him)

.

For me Intimate doesn't mean sexual, but certainly can be. 

Being clear about Sex vs Snuggling 

Basically these are my internal structures I have used to define overt sexual behavior (as opposed to snuggling) - for my whole life, because they just make sense to me.

To stay in snuggle range:

No deep kissing, Keep a layer of clothes on, No nipple or genital play, No dry humping, No orgasm.