Weebles wobble, but they don't stay down

I spent a lot of my adult life in depression,
or with big gnarly melancholy dominating my life on a regular basis.
Since I started my current soul work, that is all a memory.

I still go through Intense stuff, no worries!
But the challenges are from my real life, now, and handle-able.

More often and more uncomfortable 

is the stuff I am 'clearing' that feels rotten in my space.

But I Know and, by the use of my inner-tools, I ensure
that yuckiness is merely on its way up and out of my system.

The garbage truck is full of sound and fury,
sometimes it smells awful, and it is a really bad place to have a picnic! 
But unless I block/resist it, 

soon it is GONE, carrying all my rotten stuff along with it ; )

Again, this wasn't always the case!
For most of my life, all the crap was just Happening To Me! 

- ahhh - 

and I couldn't make it stop.

But for over a decade, I stand in a different place than I used to stand 

- this has made everything different:

I Know:
- the overwhelming emotions,
- the grinding thought patterns,
- the habits like Victim and Shy, and
- the set-points on 'low power' and 'give everything I can to others and not myself'…
no longer Dominate me, if I don't choose for them to do so.

I have experienced over and over:
I am a weeble: I wobble but I don't stay down ; )
I bounce right back up, in a minute, an hour, a day...

If it takes me longer to get up, I usually need a hand!
I Ask one of my healer friends to assist me to shift, or to hold my hand while I face my demons...
When I am Ready to Get Up, all I have to do is Ask and Receive!

This shift to Choosing My Inner Experience didn't happen because I am smart, or strong, or tenacious. 
I am blessed with those qualities, but that didn't help me for decades.

What helped me is learning and using Inner Tools, that give me leverage in my inner choices
AND learning and applying a few Distinctions (ways of seeing myself and the world) that serve me much better than my old belief-patterns.

I KNOW this soul process works when you work it.
I have seen it for myself and in so many others.

Blessings on your unique journey, Wendy

I happened to write about some of my beliefs and experience, yesterday.  I was encouraging a friend who was facing his own inner demons.  If you would like, read more here.

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Being with Issues & Emotions stored in our Bodies

Photo: Anguish by Porschelinn on Flickr

Below is most of the article by Bernie Clark: Issues in our Tissues: Looking at the Emotions We Store in Our Bodies

Just as it is inappropriate and unhealthy to push past our physical edges, it is also unskillful and unhelpful to push past our emotional edges.

The first thing to recognize when strong emotions arise in our yoga practice is: “I am not alone!” Many people experience discomforting emotions and even elating emotions while doing their practice. Just being aware that others have gone through the same experience—and survived very nicely, thank you very much—helps to take the edge off the anxiety of the moment...

We all have issues in our tissues, which is to say, we store emotions in our bodies. Where else could they possible be?

Emotions are not stored out there in some cloud server on the Internet: they are not on a Google computer in hyperspace. They are within you, close at hand and ready at a moment’s notice to manifest.

The dance of yoga is one of playing our edges: we approach the point of being too deep, never actually arriving at this point, and then we back off to see if we can approach that edge again, safely. This is the art: never actually going too deep, but moving constantly towards that edge where the sensations are juicy, where there is definitely something happening, but it is not too much sensation and we are never in danger of ripping the body open.

When we think about our edges we often think in physical terms, and you may well have had such an image in your mind when you read the above words, but we have edges emotionally, mentally and spiritually as well. Just as it is inappropriate and unhealthy to push past our physical edges it is also unskillful and unhelpful to push past our emotional edges. Just as we may have scar tissue in our body that prevents our full range of movement, we often have emotional scar tissue as well that can restrict our interpersonal and lifestyle ranges of movement. These stuck, contracted areas can be painful when worked into and we can only go so far in our yoga practice to really open up...

Once again the answer is to play your edge, but with enhanced awareness.

Our basic emotions exist within us to provide protection, healing and growth—they are not inherently bad: they are in fact very necessary for a whole life well lived. But sometimes emotions are evoked unskillfully and it is in these cases that we need to evaluate the raw experience of the emotion unemotionally, with dispassion.

Let’s take a real life example: let’s say that recently you have begun to experience a strong feeling of fear, desperately wanting to get out of the posture, wanting to scream like crazy, “A pressure on my chest!” as one student recently noted when she went into Straddle (Dragonfly) pose during a Yin Yoga class. She had been practicing Yin Yoga for over a year so this sudden arising of fear was surprising, perplexing and worrying. What does it mean and what should she do?

First, realize that you are not the only one. Emotions will arise at some point in your yoga journey. That is quite natural when you consider that yoga works the full body, not just the physical tissues. Next, consider the depth of the emotions and whether these feelings are limited only to your yoga practice or also arise at other times in life, because if they do, you may want to seek some professional assistance in determining what it means and how to work through the challenge. Finally, know that this is a wonderful opportunity to deepen your yoga practice, to go beyond the mere postures and into the depths of your own being.

Photo: raganmd on Flickr

David Williams, one of the first two Americans to practice Ashtanga Yoga, once observed that the real yoga is what you can’t see. He means that the real process of yoga unfolds beneath the obvious shapes that we contort our bodies into, it involves the breath and the way we pay attention to what is happening within. This is the invitation your strong emotional response is offering you. Rather than blindly or automatically react to the emotion, cultivate an attitude of acceptance and curiosity. Ask yourself what is really going on: “What is this?”...

Poses in yoga work the body physically and energetically, stimulating the meridian lines that correspond to the major organs of the body and sometimes eliciting strong emotional responses. In the example of the woman who experienced fear while she was in Straddle Pose, she may have created a deep stress along the inner thighs, the adductor muscle group, through which the liver and kidney meridians run. This stress may be sufficient to trigger an emotional response if there is some blockage psychically or emotionally in the pertaining organs of the liver and kidneys.

Regardless of the cause of the emotional response, the prescription is the same: awareness with dispassion. Watch what is occurring without trying to change it, without running away from it, without giving into it in despair or resignation. Of course, as we have already discussed, if you really feel you are past your edge and are too deeply into an emotional state, then back off! But if the emotions are just challenging, not dangerous, stay and observe the raw experience that is occurring. This is when something interesting is about to happen. Don’t miss it!

Ask yourself constantly, “What is this?”

Note the emotions and the associated physical sensations in detail to yourself: what are you feeling, what is your breath like, your heart rate, is there increased tension in your jaw, shoulders, neck? For example, if you are feeling fear, notice what fear feels like: “my breath is shorter and choppy; my shoulders are tense; my thoughts are foggy and I can’t focus.”

Don’t judge these sensations as good or bad and don’t try to change them; just observe them as they are...

To sum up, when a strong emotion arises in the middle of a yoga practice pay attention to it. If it is too strong, back off and perhaps even stop the practice for that day. If this continues to happen to the degree that you can no longer practice skillfully, then seek help from a qualified yoga teacher or counseling. However, if the emotions are challenging but not dangerous, use this opportunity to take your yoga practice to a new level: play the edge of the emotion without going over the edge. Start to observe what is actually occurring, without adding anything to the experience and without taking anything away from it.

One last thought, and for this I will quote Rod Stryker: “If you have never laughed or cried in a yoga class, what are you waiting for?”

  Bernie Clark

Clearing Trauma: it takes. Minute AND its Worth our Investment

I have had the dark blessing of a long and winding way 

with much opportunity to Clear Trauma, Abuse, PTSD, anxiety, depression, emotions, habits, addictions...

Deep wounding takes more than saying a few words to clear it. 

It takes turning the ship, not 're-arranging chairs on the Titanic' ; )

As I told a healer I worked with a while ago, 

"if it was easy for me to change and let this go, I would be healed and whole years ago."

Utilizing intention, along with meditation techniques, and wise and compassionate support, 

I have cleared a large percentage of my abuse pictures/energy and all that came with it.

As well as the 'bent-ness; that perpetuated into my adult life, and which I built my self and life upon. 

And I am still fully engaged in this process, and I will be for a long time. 

It takes courage and persistence. 

And for me, as with many, it got worse (as things came up and out to clear) before it got better.

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Healing and experiencing wholeness is available to us. 

When we clean up the mess, life can be a joy: easy and fun! 

We don't have to live with PTSD or any other brokenness, 

without hope of healing and restoration. 

And, yes, I had to change!

to begin identifying with myself as spirt, 

and not with my abuse and the brokenness that I experienced from that.

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Meanwhile, with extreme issues, it is not usually as easy as 'falling off a log.' 

I believe it is absolutely necessary to have powerful energy techniques; 

and wise, compassionate support for this process. 

For some, it is a very challenging path: 

it can feel like hell, or dying, or going completely loony, or all the above!

Wise and compassionate support is essential for many, for many reasons, including:
1) It is almost impossible to face some of the worst stuff alone.
2) It is important not to 'fall off the edge.'
3) It is necessary to deal with the tremendously temptation to want to run back to living with the terrible pain and brokenness, rather than pushing through the horror, to eventual experience of freedom and lightness and wholeness.

Enough for now, I am going out to play!

Yay for wounded healers: 

may we keep healing ourselves, so we can be Well and Happy; 

and from there we can effectively assist others!

-wendy

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Allowing wholeness: letting go of eschewing pain

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In my spiritual tradition, we practice letting go of energies that no longer serve us, and this 'housecleaning' in my energy system serves me, A LOT.

AND what I have noticed is: for the 'core issues', the deep wounding:
- eschewing the pain, pictures, experiences, energy...
- wanting to turn away and not grok this dark gift, rather just let it go:
this path Does Not Work.
I notice it doesn't make the pain move out easily in my system, or my healees or students systems either. In general, I notice for our deepest wounds, something else is often needed.

What seems to work, is being present to the brokenness, betrayal... whatever it is
- being present to what happened
- being present to what I thought and felt and made it all mean
- being present to how 'what happened' affected me then and affected me throughout my life to now;
- seeing the players and the game spiritually
- and holding it all, 'being with' myself then and now, and eventually validating and loving it all.

I don't mean spending a lifetime there, or even necessarily reliving it. I do mean not continuing the lifetime habit of running away from the pain/fear/whatever, hoping to bury it so deeply that it can't hurt me anymore. Because I can never run fast enough, and the price I pay for trying is very high!

So, in my tradition we notice the energy comes 'up and out to clear', if we let it. This process can be intense for a while, and happily that intensity ends and the fruit is amazing afterward:
- we need less distraction, obsessions, addictions...
- we can stop running from that old pain/fear/whatever...
- we can Just Be in our self and in our lives, more.
And as our internal expereince changes, our external expereince usually shifts as well.

This excerpt below inspired me to share, it is a wonderful description, IMO, of someone else's process of what I am referring to as allowing wholeness: letting go of eschewing pain. I hope you are blessed.
-wendy
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As Energy Comes Home

Compacted, frozen pain energy is like a baby. As a mother does not address her fussing baby with nondual language, neither do we in the meeting with ourselves. You may know and understand a lot and be conscious, but these energies are not conscious.

You come into direct relationship with them. Direct but gentle, not piercing, not intrusive, not willpowering anything. Asking contracted energy what it needs is a lovely way of acknowledging its presence and becoming intimate with it. Everything that is not at rest wants to be acknowledged, to be received and bathed in gentleness and benevolence.

It calls for a major slowing down, to receive the old, repressed cries of pain that show up now as contractions, as bodily sensations.

The mind is conditioned to want results - the result in this case being the disappearance of the disturbance. It is very, very sweet to bypass this, allowing the body to have what it has for as long as it does. You may walk around for hours with disturbance but you can be nurturing and aware of your precious cargo. Mercy and opening.

As you become more relaxed with meeting energy in yourself, you find a natural extension of this happening with others. Pain energy in another is no different in any way from energy in your own system. It is all the same separated, totally impersonal energy seeking resolution, looking for Home. So you find yourself, if the situation is fitting, in direct, welcoming relationship with these balls of energy in another, bypassing the personality and issue and mechanisms of mind. A catalyst for the dissolution of pain in others, a totally organic movement of Love.

The Kuan Yin of your heart is awakening. You come to see that You are Home and all is invited and welcomed Here.

- Mags Deane

Delicious Invitation from Rumi

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Subtle degrees
of domination and servitude
are what you know as love.

...but Love is different;
It arrives complete
just there
like the moon in the window.

like the sun
of neither east nor west
nor of anyplace.
when that Sun arrives
east and west arrive.

desire only that
of which you have no hope
seek only that
of which you have no clue.
Love is the sea of not-being
and there, intellect drowns.

this is not the Oxus River
or some little creek.
this is the shoreless sea.
here, swimming ends always in drowning.

a journey to the sea
is horses and fodder and contrivance
but at land’s end
the footsteps vanish.

you lift up your robe
so as not to wet the hem;
come! drown in this sea
a thousand times!

the moon passes over
the ocean of non-being.
droplets of spray tear loose
and fall back on the cresting waves.

a million galaxies
are a little scum
on this shoreless sea.

-Rumi

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Overwhelmed by the needs in our world?

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Like many, I used to have much frustration

Sometimes I still do! 

Overwhelmed 

by all the things that I believed needed to be done in our world.

I have some ways of looking at this, I have found serve me. 

I will share some, if you are interested read on.

I believe if I find the thing(s) I am very well suited to do AND 'called' to do,

then my world will move toward wholeness - IN me AND in my World

So my job is to get quiet, listen within, and find my unique path, 

and then do that... JUST THAT.

I believe when each of us do our 'jobs' in our own little corner of the world, 

amazing things happen.

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I see it in terms of cells in a body. 

If i am a liver cell, and i do the jobs of a liver cell well, 

that is what i can do. 

If all the cells do their jobs, 

the body functions well. 

If all all the cells don't function well, 

the body does not do well. 

Unfortunately (and fortunately) 

i cannot do any other cell's job for them. 

Maybe I can do a little more of my job, 

if other liver cells are slacking, and that may help. 

But i cannot run over and do an eye cell's job. 

This illustration assists me to 'keep my eyes on my own page': 

to do my job and not worry about if/how/when other jobs will get done.

I cannot do it all 

and I shouldn't try: 

because i cannot do it 

and because it makes me crazy to try to do it 

and even crazier to worry about it. 

It is more than enough to do my job, 

and if i do it well, others will be inspired to do their jobs well.

This is how I continually manage these issues for myself 

- i hope you find a comfortable journey around this in your life.  

Thanks for reading.
in life, wendy

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Dancing judgment - theirs, and mine

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I have Much experience with Dancing judgment - theirs, and mine.  

It still bothers me sometimes, but SO much less than the past.  

I am attracting a lot less resistance to my path the more I own it as MINE. 

I used to feel attacked a lot - embattled and un-loved because of it. 

I feel that way less and less, and folks’ behavior toward me is now  less and less attacking or judging.

I have played the role of a square peg in a round hole a lot in my life 

(Goddess-loving, Christian, Bisexual, Polyamorous, Psychic to name a few roles I play– a lot of things for myself and others to get hooked on…).  

So I have a lot of practice! 

I have found many strategies to handle this for myself.  

I cannot address them all, 

but I will name a few internal and external things I do that work for me.

And of course this is a work in progress, I am not nearly baked.  

But I am so much more comfortable now than I used to be 

- I used to suffer a lot around these issues - now only a little ; )

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Internal: This is the most important thing – always, IMO.
I use my meditation techniques ongoingly to do things like:

* let Gd heal me

* let go of my deep, sometimes semi-conscious internal resistance and judgment of myself for being who I am and doing what I am doing (internalized homophobia, etc)

* allow in attitudes and energy of neutrality, amusement, all the gifts of the spirit…

* consciously let go of competition and judgment of self and others (i.e. I let go of judging them for judging me), resistance to their and my way of being (i.e. I let go of attachment to them liking and admiring me).

* acknowledge that I have co-created my experience and consciously create with Spirit something I prefer.

* receive, receive, receive from Gd and other spiritual Masters & Guides, as well as from the Earth: the love, validation, experience of wholeness from the inside, what I am tempted to want from others on the outside!

* be what we call in my tradition 'body of glass': 

instead of blocking / protecting / resisting / attaching to energies that I do not want in my system; 

I allow Gd to clear my space so those energies pass right through me.  

The more I allow my space to clear, the less stuff sticks to me. 

What does stick or HOOK, that is where I can allow healing to shift me - so next time I am more clear.

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As I do these kinds of things internally, I am more comfortable and happy in my own space, folks are more easeful with me, and it makes it easier for others to shift to a clearer, lighter vibration in their own space, as well. 

I remember: what I resist, persists…

This changes MY internal experience. 

This changes the kinds of energies I attract, so my external experience changes as well. 

SO, what happens is I attract 

less of the kind of people who judge me, 

the people in my life judge me less, 

and when they do judge me it bothers me less. 

What does bother me, I allow Gd to heal, 

and the cycle starts over at even a higher level.

The most important part of this cycle is for me to let go of judging and trying to change the folks in my life 

and devote all that attention and energy to my relationship with Gd and my inner healing.
Again, I am still very much in process with this, but the results so far are quite stunning.

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External: really secondary, but helpful.

I allow the changes that I have found from using my meditation techniques to seep into my physical life to change my habits of thinking, feeling, acting and reacting.

This is quite a process.
Here are a few examples of some practices I use to shift my outer life:

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* I avoid giving advice.  

My best information comes from within, and I don’t change until I am ready 

– so I mean to stay out of the way and let others have their own journey as well.  

I want all to enjoy our own and honor each other’s spiritual freedom, free will. 

When folks ask me for advice, I try to stick to speaking from my own beliefs and experience, and when appropriate (like when I am reading or sometimes when teaching) saying what I see around their situation.  

My tradition believes we teach what we need to learn, 

and any advice I give is what I need to hear myself, so I take that to heart.  

When I am compelled to give advice, I notice that is a place I need healing.  

When others are compelled to give me advice, 

I notice that perhaps it is a place they need healing, and try not to take it personally ; )

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* I enjoy my curiosity about who folks are and why they believe what they believe. 

I already know what I believe and don’t necessarily need to hear myself say it over and over. 

But, if I am interested in getting to know someone else better, then I am interested in the how, when and what of their POV.

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* I personally have found the perspective and tools on NVC: non-violent (or compassionate) communication to be extremely useful and of great service to me in my physical communication and relationships.

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* If someone is my intimate, I speak in my own voice completely authentically and they love and validate me. 

Sometimes we need to work things out, conflict and misunderstandings – but the basis of who I am and what I am up to is Not under attack, for me this is what an intimate IS.  

For non-intimates, I do my best to ‘speak into their listening’.  

I remain truthful and myself, but I make an effort to communicate in ways, with words and concepts that match their world view. 

I find this helps bridge unnecessary gaps and find common ground on which we can build. 

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* The more I let go of (non-intimate) people in my life understanding me, loving me, validating me, knowing me (I get these needs met elsewhere), 

the more I can relate to folks on the level that They feel comfortable. 

I do not have to share experiences, beliefs, myself in ways that people cannot interface with me in an enjoyable way (I polka with folks who can polka and waltz with folks who can waltz – I enjoy most 3 count dances, so what do I care? ; )

Instead of trying to get my needs met from someone who cannot meet them, or can not meet them comfortably, 

I interface with them where/how they can meet me – or avoid the encounter completely.

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* Although I am very open, I do not tell every person every thing in my life.  

They don’t really want to know.  

If they ask and I believe they will be uncomfortable with the answer, 

I sometimes ask if they really want to know; 

if yes I will prolly choose to tell them. 

Or, sometimes I will divert the conversation, 

and if they care enough to bring questions up again, then I will prolly choose to tell them.  

It always remains my choice, and the consequences are mine as well. 

Many folks in my life do not really want to know about the things in my life that bring them discomfort.  

They have learned not to press too far in certain directions because they don’t really want to encounter conflict.   

I have found their discomfort with processing or their leaning toward peaceful-seeming encounters are usually greater than their desire to connect deeply with me. 

For folks who do press through and really want to know me, I honor them, even when we disagree. 

I share with them honestly for as long as they can be respectful toward me.  

When they lose their ability to relate as adult humans, I set boundaries and hope that soon we can connect authentically with joy.

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So, that is a bit of what I do with the challenge of feeling judged. 

I hope something here assists you in your Journey.

In life, wendy

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the Power of Acceptance

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"

It's difficult to try to be what you are not. 

Being what you are doesn't require any effort. 

When you become wise, you accept yourself the way you are, 

and the complete acceptance of yourself 

becomes the complete acceptance of everyone else.

"
- don Miguel Ruiz

some will say

"accepting unacceptable things about either oneself or the people you interact with is not always a good notion"

On the physical level, what you say makes sense, and many of us are trained to believe such things.

I have found it does not work. 

I have found that I can, and others can, tweak the outside, try harder for limited periods of time, etc. 

But I have found this method doesn't work for me on the inside, or in the long run, or for anything that is a Core issue for me.

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From my experience:

Unless I can BE with what is 

Unless I can stop Resisting 

Nothing Changes 

IF I really do choose change, 

It serves me to let go, accept what IS. 

then 

Say 'hello' deep inside, and attend to that.

Allow the shifts to flower from within.

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Some will say: 

"we are responsible for the people we become"

"Honesty in looking at ourselves and realizing that if we are less than we choose to be"

"it is within our power to become the best we can be"

"we are not "stuck" with ourselves" 

AMEN

The question is HOW? 

IN what Context?

Through what Process.

It is obvious that one can change the facade, paint the walls, and change the curtains easily enough. 

In my spiritual tradition, we find that Effort works on the physical, but not on the spiritual level. 

I have found to truly realign the foundation and change the structure of my being, it takes a New way of BEing.

Of course, many people don't believe we CAN realign the foundation and change the structure of our being, 

so the process of acceptance/non-judgment and ease/no-effort may seem superfluous 

- but I don't believe so...

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Allowing Ease, not Effort
Finding Freedom from Judgment
What We Resist, Persists...

Is a fruitful journey.

For me, 

- Beating myself (and others) up for where I am. 

- Eschewing what is Real.

- Effort & Striving ... merely looking the part...

Works Not At ALL :)

Acceptance, etc 

actually Does Work, in my experience!

For myself and with others. 

Sometimes the mere release of my judgment and resistance 

and things miraculously shift. 

After all, I am HOLDING in place with my NO!

Some say:

Acceptance Produces Change.

It makes sense, because 

Acceptance removes One of the Forces in Play

after that, shift happens, finding a New Balance. 

So, I just get to keep practicing Acceptance 

- a Powerful blessing of: Truth and Miracles

Being with what IS. 

Releasing the judgment and resistance. 

Easier said than done - and the fruit is Delicious!

: )Wendy 

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Finding Freedom from Judgment

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I just had an ah-ha light bulb go off!

Here’s the background:

I have encountered different people and groups who don’t feel comfortable with folks who are ‘healing’. And by ‘healing’ I mean – in process: still releasing or potentially releasing all kinds of yucky stuff: hate, invalidation, competition, fear, etc

I am still in process, still healing, and there are people and groups that I feel especially uncomfortable with, because I know they perceive my brokenness / darkness / evil and I don’t feel accepted and loved because of that. In their presence I get a more intense story that I ‘should’ be better, different, healed already! I am not OK, just as I am, and just as I’m not…

Now, of course, because I am still in the healing and acceptance process, I have all these stories anyway – I want to hide under a rock and I don’t feel good about myself as I am, in some deep yucky levels of my system. This is all MY stuff.

But SOME people and groups assist me to want to hide MORE and not feel good about myself MORE. This is my reaction to THEIR stuff on top of MY stuff.

I like to tell my students:

- Sometimes I walk in to a room and feel more warm, beautiful, charming and loved - YUM! This is likely energy bouncing back and forth with others and mirroring back to me things, for example, like validation from them to me (i.e. I’m ok, it’s ok)

- Sometimes I walk into a room and feel all of a sudden like a fat, stupid cow, and my Mother dresses me funny - YUCK! There are a few options about what could be going on, one is: this could be energy bouncing back and forth with others and mirroring back to me things like invalidation from them to me (i.e. I’m not ok, it’s not ok). Their invalidation bounces into MY own invalidation in my own system and hits/hurts/hooks. My own crap is mirrored back at me, seemingly from outside, and more painful because of that!  
..........- Meanwhile, the more I heal, the less this is an issue, because as I let go of invalidation in my system, their invalidation doesn’t hit/hurt/hook me – it just sails right through my system. This is part of why things like: ‘healing yourself heals the world’ and ‘be the change you want to see in the world’, and ‘don’t walk anywhere to preach unless your walking IS your preaching’ matter so much. This is part of why Spiritual Masters are such a healing influence in the world, and such a healing to be near: they don’t reflect back our shit (because they aren’t holding on to it) – it sails right through! They reflect back our Beauty and Wholeness – and so we can more easily allow our Beauty and Wholeness to BE. 
...........- AND Meanwhile, as long as I have a standard-issue human body, I am likely to have a little or a lot of invalidation 'lying around' in my space, and opportunities to let go of invalidation and many other kinds of ‘hooks’ in my system. Learning to let go of hooks will remain a game I have the opportunity to play: one of the healing games ; )

A couple interesting things to note about this illustration:

- Jesus spoke about ‘judge not lest ye be judged’ If I hold judgment (competition) in my space, I will not only judge others but also judge myself – there is no way around it. All the energy in our system, in this case judgment, is a two-way street! If I want to experience the world as safe, easy, joyful, I must let go of things like judgment, otherwise I will never allow myself to fully enjoy the grace, peace, freedom of Gd.  

- More about energy in the system being a two-way street: The more I allow the spiritual fruits into my life, and allow the intellectual and emotional and other energetic ‘garbage’ out of my system, of course it is more comfortable for me to BE myself and PLAY in the world. Also it is A LOT easier for OTHERS to be with me and play with me, as well.

These shifts may seem simple to say, and sometimes harder to do, but I believe PERCEIVING/VALIDATING where the issues are (one could call this acknowledging Truth) and CHOOSING to allow change (one could call this allowing Grace ; ) gets me a great chunk of the way there. We have a lot more power than we may think, and a lot more spiritual help than we may acknowledge! And I am blessed to utilize spiritual techniques that totally ROCK for supporting me to make these kinds of changes! 

And of course, I am still learning and growing. As I said above, sometimes I still give my power away when I experience judgment: especially with ‘very spiritual’ or ‘consciously psychic’ folks. I tell myself things like this:
- They know BETTER THAN ME who I ‘should’ be and what I ‘should’ do. I should listen to them, not myself and Gd…
- Oh, their judgment really is valid, I really DO SUCK. I should go back and hide under a rock and feel bad about myself until I am ‘fixed’… Like that’s gonna happen: acceptance and change is hard enough, doing that while beating myself up, under a rock: THAT sounds like a rock too big for Gd to move ; )

I’ve been stuck about these issues of allowing other’s judgment of me (especially ‘Authorities’ judgment... and punishment!) to be true for me, well, my whole life… But so much has shifted and changed and lightened and become easier in the last decade, this place of stuckness around judgment by ‘spiritual authorities’ has kinda stood out like a ‘sore thumb’ A place of obvious discomfort and darkness in my life; a life that I am generally allowing to be continually freer and easier…

.
SO, I just had an ah-ha light bulb go off!
Tonight – AH-HA – TA-DA. I got some light on the subject, some insight, some traction! And already I experiencing shift.  
BBWWWAAHHHHAAAAHHHHAAAA (Happy Halloween! ; )

OK, this is what happened:
Michael came out of his office radiating FEAR.

Let me back up and say 2 things:
- My partner Michael is amazing and wonderful. He, and also we, are up against some incredibly challenging, fear-inducing stuff. Fear is a very valid reaction under the circumstances, and generally he is doing a really Great job with it.
- If I am ‘owning’ my fear, I can handle it in my space. If I am not ‘owning’ my fear, if it is part of my ‘shadow’, I will experience it less (maybe much less or not at all), BUT those around me will get ‘hit’ with it more – it will radiate out around me. This helps me understand some really paradoxical experiences in my life: Why do folks think I am being a bitch when I think I am being nice? Why am I afraid of some people who seem to be gentle and kind?

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OK, so, Michael came out of his office radiating FEAR.

It felt very uncomfortable to me and I thought – ugh. I don’t like this, I don’t need this on top of my stuff, I want one of us to go away so I can feel better and not have to deal with all this fear… 

And Ah-ha! I got it. THAT is what is going on with these people and groups that I feel especially uncomfortable with! They are not comfortable with whatever I am experiencing, or not wanting to experience in my space: hate, invalidation, competition, fear, whatever. It is hitting them in the places they are not healed yet, either; and ‘hooking’ them. They are HOOKED, so they are not happy in themselves and they are not happy with me for ‘CAUSING’ it! This is great news: this is just regular garden variety, every-time-we-turn-around energy action-reaction described above. They are HUMAN, they are annoyed because of their hooks, their unhealed parts. That’s the whole story – hallelujah.

I erroneously had it in my head, in my heart, that since these people and groups were ‘spiritually advanced’ therefore, the ‘problem’ couldn’t be THEM it must be ME! If they were annoyed I must be very, very bad and I better run to find my rock to hide under. But all of a sudden I could acknowledge that they are annoyed because of their own hooks. If they weren’t hooked, they wouldn’t be annoyed!!  

I have to say that one again: If they weren’t hooked, they wouldn’t be annoyed!! I am not especially BAD, I am just a normal human being filled with all kinds of energies, including hate, invalidation, competition, and fear – JUST LIKE EVERY OTHER HUMAN – each in our own unique measures. Oh, what a relief!

This allows me to let go of loads of pressure that I have been carrying! It doesn’t matter who this person is who is judging me, it doesn’t matter how ‘spiritually evolved’ they seem, or how ‘spiritually capable’ they are. If they are judging me, it is their ‘problem’, not mine! Interaction with me is lighting up for them something they can allow Gd to heal, if they so choose. And if they don’t choose to let it go, it’s NOT MY FAULT. If they are suffering about their reaction to my energies, it is between them and Gd – it is not something for ME to suffer about!

And of course I don’t like uncomfortable reactions to me, but heck, I have tools for this! This is garden-variety, this is just more healing, like I am doing every day – I can handle this! When I don’t take it personally, when I don’t make up stories that I am ridiculously rotten, THEN I can get un-hooked quite easily. I can just ‘Let Go and Let God’!

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So, to finish the story…
One More Time: 
Michael came out of his office radiating FEAR.
It felt very uncomfortable to me and I thought – ugh. I don’t like this, I don’t need this on top of my stuff, I want one of us to go away so I can feel better and not have to deal with all this fear… 
Then I had an Ah-HA moment, which as these things do, took a micro-second ; )
And because of that insight, I easily and almost immediately STOPPED resisting and judging him for his experience, and how he was not ‘owning’ his experience and therefore spewing FEAR ‘all over me’. And started releasing my own fear, and allowing love and acceptance instead. Again, almost immediately, my very uncomfortable reaction to his fear went away. And then, almost immediately, his fear stopped spewing out. It was that easy and that fast: healing happened in a few seconds… and he and I get to live in a different world than we had been living in before.

Hallelujah and Amen!

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Lastly, I find this interesting: a couple days ago, I had a cool interaction on FB which started with the Jung quote which begins: ‘We cannot change anything unless we accept it.’ (Posted below) Then, a friend brought up 'The Paradoxical Theory of Change':'When you hate something and you try to change it, it will never change. When you accept what you hate, change occurs spontaneously.' This reminded me of what I have been hearing from many folks since I was a teenager: ‘What we Resist, Persists’.

‘What we Resist, Persists’ is a principle which many have found to be true and useful, including myself. But I haven’t really understood WHY it is so? As I finish writing this sharing, I am finding that much of what I have written here seems to address this very issue: some of the reasons why judgment (competition), resistance, fear, hate, etc., directly block shift, change and healing from occurring in ourselves and others; and why letting go of these energies encourages healing and change, within and in the world.

Again: 
Hallelujah and Amen!


Peace, Love and Understanding, 
; ) w

They're Singing Your Song

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From a story told by Alan Cohen
in his book: Wisdom Of The Heart:

When a woman in a certain African tribe knows
she is pregnant, she goes out into the wilderness
with a few friends and together they pray and
meditate until they hear the song of the child.
They recognize that every soul has its own vibration
that expresses its unique flavor and purpose. When
the women attune to the song, they sing it out loud. 
Then they return to the tribe and teach it to everyone
else.

When the child is born, the community gathers and sings the child's song to him or her. Later, when the child enters education, the village gathers and chants the child's song. When the child passes through the initiation to adulthood, the people again come
together and sing. At the time of marriage, the person hears his or her song.

Finally, when the soul is about to pass from this world, the family and friends gather at the person's bed, just as they did at their birth, and they sing the person to the next life.

To the African tribe there is one other occasion upon which the villagers sing to the child. If at any time during his or her life, the person commits a crime or aberrant social act, the individual is called to the center of the village and the people in the community
form a circle around them. Then they sing their song to them.

The tribe recognizes that the correction for antisocial behavior is not punishment; it is love and the remembrance of identity. When you recognize your own song, you have no desire or need to do anything that would hurt another.

A friend is someone who knows your song and sings it to you when you have forgotten it. Those who love you are not fooled by mistakes you have made or dark images you hold about yourself. They remember your beauty when you feel ugly; your wholeness when you are broken; your innocence when you feel guilty; and your purpose when you are confused.

You may not have grown up in an African tribe that sings your song to you at crucial life transitions, but life is always reminding you when you are in tune with yourself and when you are not. When you feel good, what you are doing matches your song, and when you feel awful, it doesn't. In the end, we shall all recognize our song and sing it well.

You may feel a little warbly at the moment, but so have all the great singers. Just keep singing and you'll find your way home.

You Can't Be Loved Until You Make Peace With Betrayal

I watched Helen Hunt’s movie (Then She Found Me) yesterday. I watched all the special features today, including the movie with director’s voiceover. I recommend the movie. I found it moving: funny and sad; insightful, true.

Turns out I had written about some main themes in this movie 14 months ago (below) – because I had read Helen Hunt being interviewed about it and I was really moved.

I watched the movie and didn’t realize it was THAT movie until it was done. I’d ‘accidentally’ bought the DVD at goodwill for $4 because it had great people in it.

---

*************

Monday, June 02, 2008

Hi Friends,

I haven’t seen Helen Hunt's new movie, J & Y weren't overly impressed by it.

But, I received some treasure from reading about her process with it. This is from an interview Redbook, May 08:

I spent a lot of years writing, then put the script away because I just couldn't get it made. The best movies have one sentence that they're exploring, a thesis, something that people can argue about over dinner afterward. I couldn't say what that was.

At the time, I was wanting a baby. April's younger in the novel, and I thought, You either have a baby, want a baby, or don't want a baby, but you don't nothing a baby if you're in your 30s or 40s. Then a friend sent me an essay by James Hillman [author of The Soul's Code] called "Betrayal." I studied and studied it. I started to realize that people will think this movie is about adoption or motherhood, but for me it's about this issue of betrayal. April feels betrayed by everybody. She betrays herself. She feels betrayed by God. I finally landed on the idea that you can't be loved until you make peace with betrayal. With that, I had a compass for the movie.

I read this line and I was arrested by it:

you can't be loved until you make peace with betrayal

WOW, That sets an interesting and useful context for issues I have been chewing on and struggling with in the last few years, and for most of my life. And it is not just me, I see other folks that I am close to be “hooked” around the issues in this arena.

So, of course, I immediately found this essay (last night), and I am already profiting from it - and I expect I will continue to find continued blessing as I dwell here. Hillman presents several aspects to this issue of betrayal that I find to be useful places to stand to consider my own world-view and experience; it has already given me useful insight into others’ choices around things like intimacy and leadership, as well.

If you are interested, here is a link

http://www.blacksunjournal.com/psychology/18_betrayal-part-1-of-3-by-james-hillman_2001.html

(remember, eat the fruit; spit out the pits)

hope you are enjoying your cycles of love and learning,

in life,

wendy

in case the above link disappears, I put a copy of BETRAYAL here